the one with the money.

i almost wrote 'money is such an awkward thing to write about.' and then i erased it. it's not awkward. it's not horrible, and it's not burdensome. it is a gift and a resource. i wish i was saying that out of the depth of my heart. but i'm really saying it because i know that's what i'm supposed to feel and think, and i'm going to keep claiming it until i believe it. because to me.. it's still a little awkward. but with Jesus, He makes it wonderful. especially with testimonies like this.

almost three years ago, i was about to go on a mission trip. to abilene. from abilene. weird, i know- but we were stirring within ourselves a heart for our own city and our own people. we were going to be making it as much as a 'real trip' as possible, staying in a hotel, driving everywhere together in a bus, etc. to make sure we were all still unified. which meant that it cost money. not a whole lot. only like $300.. but to a college student, that's kind of a whole lot. 

and being the super procrastinator and "non-worrier" that i was (aka.. not responsible) i had a total of $0 in my trip account on monday. and we were leaving for the trip on friday. and i did not have $300. also, in my non-responsibility, i racked up $800 in credit card debt over the previous few months. i was getting loan money soon and was planning on paying it off with my loan money, but the payment was due now. how's that for ridiculous? 

not my proudest moment. 

so monday morning at 6:30 am, we had a prayer meeting for our whole team going on the trip. everyone was there.. it was the week before. our leader stood up and said 'i feel like we're supposed to pray over finances..' immediately my pride started welling up and inside myself i was hearing 'that's not you- you can do this. you'll be fine. you'll figure it out.' our leader continued 'if you still need finances for the trip, stand up and come to the middle. we're going to lay hands on you and pray that the Lord will provide miraculously.' and still my pride said 'don't stand up. you can do this by yourself.' but the Holy Spirit said 'stand up right now.' so i did. 

i went to the middle of that circle and i was prayed over. i didn't really feel anything except a strong conviction to finally send the support letter to my grandparents. it was going to be the only one i would send. my grandparents normally send a $100 check for everything. christmas, birthdays, support letters, whatever it is, i normally get a $100 check. so i thought- i'll have them pay the $100 and i'll find money to cover the rest. so i got home that day and sent the letter.

well, later that morning, i got a text message from a number i didn't know. from a person i didn't know. it was a sweet girl who was at our prayer meeting that morning that i had never met. she said she had her hand on me while we were praying and that the Lord told her to cover the rest of my trip. she wanted to know how much to write the check for.

what?!!?! i was blown away. and sort of embarrassed. i sent back.. 'well.. i still owe all of it..' and she responded 'great! i'll take the check to the church today.' and that was that. i sat on my couch and wept. i couldn't believe He would do that. extravagantly written off. just like the cross. 

so my trip was paid for. i had greater expectation than ever before that the Lord was going to transform, challenge, and pursue my heart on that trip. i spent that week praying out of a thankful and overwhelmed heart. every friday, i went to lunch with my best friend. i walked to the door to greet her and realized we hadn't gotten the mail that day. as kelsey was walking up to my house, i opened a letter from my grandparents. i totally forgot about that support letter i sent earlier in the week. totally forgot. i saw that letter and said 'thank you, Lord!' i could use that $100. 

well, as kelsey was walking up, i can't imagine what she was thinking. i stood in my doorway- completely shocked, overwhelmed, and weak. inside that envelope was a note from my grandma that said 'the Lord told me to send you this much. use it for whatever you need. we love you and are so proud of you.' 

and there was an $800 check.

He pays my debts. all of them. and on that trip, He changed me forever. He broke my chains and set his captive free! 

thanks, lindsay- my precious friend, for being obedient. you blew me away and started a fire in my own heart to do the same for others. and thanks meme and papa, for listening and obeying. you've left a legacy of obedience and honor for me to walk in. you're the best picture of Jesus i've ever seen in real life.

stewie

in my classroom, we have an elf, stewie.

he's the greatest discipline management i've come across yet. he's an elf on the shelf- a little box set at target that comes with a box and a book. for thirty bucks.. a little doll and a book. but whatever. the whole idea is when stewie arrives, you give him a name and that gives him his christmas magic. this means that every night when we are sleeping, stewie flies to the north pole to tell santa whether we had a naughty day or a nice day. but if you touch him, he loses his christmas magic. so you can't touch him.. ever. i made a really big deal out of this. like too far over the top.

every morning when stewie returns from the north pole, he hides in a new place in the classroom. the first person that finds him is the 'winner'. which means absolutely nothing.. but they love it none-the-less.

when my kids would misbehave i would say things like "whoa, that sure was a bad choice. i hope stewie saw that behavior." or "i may not be watching.. but stewie is always watching." i know, i told you- too far. but it worked.. and so i milked it.

because of this emphasis i put on stewie, my kids fell in love with this doll. like they love this elf. they swear they see his eyes moving and that they saw his arm move. they say he's staring at them when they're in line. and they sit on the floor and talk to him and give him messages to give to santa. whatever, i don't care as long as my kids are somewhat behaving themselves and loving one another.

one day, as i was running late to school, i realized i forgot to move stewie. big mistake because some of my kids are really early to school. aka: get there before the teacher.. embarrassing. so that morning, i told them i had some special things i needed to do and that they needed to wait in the hall. so i quickly threw stewie up on the ledge above our clock, which is near the door, and let the kids in. no big deal.

until later, when sweet shaquita shut the door a little too hard and stewie fell from the ledge and bumped off of her head and into the trash can. she came running to my desk with eyes of absolute shock and fear, "miss may!!!!! stewie touched me and fell into the trash can!!! now he loses his christmas magic and it's all my fault!!!!!!!!!" i told her that stewie only loses his christmas magic if you touch him.. not if he touches us. i was making up rules to end the crisis. but by now the entire class knew and saw poor stewie in the trash can. they were freaking out. but i made a big deal about not touching stewie even though he was in the trash can. i had to survive the last few days of school. they couldn't find out that this was a total crock just yet. i told them we had to leave him in the trash can and that i would tell the janitor not to dump out our trash so he could crawl out when everyone was in bed. they were all at peace.. so we moved on with our day.

the next morning as i was walking into my classroom i thought to myself "ah! i forgot to move stewie again!" and then i remembered. stewie was in the trashcan. i prayed and prayed as i ran to the back of my classroom and realized the trash was empty. he was gone. i totally forgot about the little guy and i was about to face twenty one precious, eager faces. and when they came in.. i told them the truth. well, sorda. i told them that i forgot to tell the janitor and that he came right after i left for the evening so stewie must have been to afraid to come out. so he was in the dump. and hopefully he would find his way back soon.

meanwhile, i'm frantically searching the internet to see if you could buy just the doll and i couldn't find one anywhere. and my kids couldn't have just any elf. they needed stewie. i needed stewie.

one of my sweet girls, viviana, came up to me after the announcements and said "miss may.. during the moment of silence.. i prayed for stewie... that he's alive... and that he'll come home soon.." welp, i felt terrible. and then as i was walking the kids out of the classroom to computer i saw a small scrap of construction paper taped to the wall over the trashcan. i pulled it off and read it as we walked. it said "dear stewie, i really hope you make it out of the dup. cuz we love you." ridiculous. my kids are too cute for words.

so i decided i had to get another thirty dollar elf box. there was no question. but that evening was my bff's lingerie shower that i had spent a loooong time planning. and there was no way i'd have any time between school and the shower to drive across town to go get the doll. emergency. after school i called kelsey, my bff, and told her about the stewie happenings of the day. we both laughed and felt bad at the same time.

well, i went to start getting everything together for the shower, took it over, decorated, and before i knew it- it was time to party. the party went great and it was super fun. but it was 10:30 and target was definitely closed. i was going to have to make up another lie and hold out til monday.

kelsey told me that she needed to chat with me in the back bedroom. she told me that she was praying for the past few weeks for something good to get me as a gift for throwing her shower. she said that earlier that morning she was still frustrated that she still didn't feel like the Lord had given her anything that would really bless me. and then that afternoon when i called, she knew exactly what to get.

she handed over that sweet new stewie. it warmed my heart and filled me with joy. the next morning my kids flipped. out. when he was laying underneath the christmas tree with a cast around his arm. it was the sweetest morning yet.

isn't it so sweet that Jesus sees our needs? regardless of how small or huge, He knows us. He knows the depths of our heart and meets us right where we are. He knew that what i really needed that night was a little elf doll. and that the little elf doll would not only bless me, but bring the little angels in my life joy and laughter- which was really what i wanted most. thanks, Lord. You see me, know me, and love me extravagantly and tenderly. even the details.

and thanks, kels.. for listening. :)

a breath of grace. part seven.

well, there was no call on friday. i had to e-mail mr. g and he told me they hadn't given him the green light yet and just to hang in there.

and i heard nothing that weekend. and i kept walking. i kept walking and i kept believing. and i heard nothing on monday. i was getting tired. my heart was torn between extreme faith and thinking that i really might be crazy. on tuesday after school, i was done. i went into my friend, gayla's, classroom and told her how tired i was. i told her that i didn't think anyone stood on this promise with me. i told her i didn't want to walk in the uncertainty anymore and that i wasn't sure how much longer i could wait. and as she gracefully listened and sympathized, mrs. o came over the intercom and said "natalie may, if you are still in the building, could you please come to the office?" i was shocked. i looked at gayla and not thinking clearly said, "oh my gosh! what do i do!?" and in her great wisdom she said, "go!!!!" so i went to that office.

i walked in, mrs. o said nothing but smiled, and dialed a number on the phone. she handed me the phone and i wasn't quite sure which principal was on the other line. i figured out through the voice that it was mr. g and he asked "well miss may, are you busy?" am i busy!? duh i'm not busy- i've been sitting around waiting on this phone call for five days! he told me that he needed to see me at his school. mrs. o gave her sweet blessing and i left, not knowing what was ahead, but believing for the best.

and he offered me that second grade job. i sat in that room and he.. really.. offered me that job. and when i think about that moment, i have a deep breath of grace. He led me there. He wanted me there and He wanted me to have that very job. he gave me my keys and told me i would have my twenty kids in three days.

i saw my classroom with my heart pounding. i said sweet compliments about the walls, windows, all of that just to make conversation. but really, i wanted everyone else to leave me alone in there so i could fall on my face before my God. He's sovereign to the end. to the very end.

to the end of this journey and to the end of every journey in my life.

green lights. part six.

well, the interview with mr. g at the surprise school went really well. it was for a second grade teaching position and he had the green light from administration to hire. he just had to iron out a few last things with them and would get back to me asap.

meanwhile, i had to go back to my aide job and then to my second interview that afternoon. it went so well. he played a song for me that he plays over the intercom every morning before anyone else arrives about welcoming the Holy Spirit. too good to be true. it was a blessing to see the inside of his school that i had paced around and laid hands on all summer long. it was a peaceful feeling and there was rest in my heart as i walked away. i left thankful that He sees me and meets me. He knows me and knows exactly what i need.

i checked my phone on the drive home and realized i had a call from mr. g. i immediately got nervous because really i wanted to work at the blessing principal's school. it was my first choice and what i thought was the Lord's will from the beginning. mr. g left a voicemail asking me to call him immediately. i just knew he was going to offer me the job. i had to know if the blessing principal had a timeline of when he was going to get a 'green light' to hire from administration or not before i could accept a job. so i called him. no answer- he must have left his office. so i went to extreme measures to get his cell phone number. stalker? psycho? all of the above. but i had to know before i could make a decision. the blessing principal told me as a principal that i should take the job. there was no guarantee he would be able to hire me, and it's not honorable, from a principal's perspective, to turn down a job.. ever. and he told me that speaking as if he was my father, that i should take the job. and that Jesus would bless me, use me, and bless my kids wherever i ended up. that was enough strength for me to hang up and call mr. g back.

so i did. i called him back and he told me that where previously he was given a green light from administration, that he now had a yellow light or a 'hang on a second'. but he said "if i get to hire, i choose you. so if and when i get that green light, do you choose us?" and i told him yes. with a confident heart that the Father was leading me and calling me there, i said yes. he told me he would call me by the next day at noon.. which was friday.. to tell whether or not he had the green light or not.

meanwhile, shelli, my spiritual mom, told me it would be wise to call the blessing principal back and inform him of the yellow light- just in case. i told her i would, but really was planning on e-mailing him to avoid being a burden.

well, as Jesus would have it, a few minutes later i got a phone call from a number that wasn't saved in my phone. i assumed it was  mr. g and i answered. "hello?" nothing. "um.. hello?" nothing again. and a few seconds later the blessing principal said "natalie! i'm so sorry. my phone must have called you on accident. i was just walking around my backyard praying for you. Jesus has you in his palm. He is going to pour out extravagant love on you regardless of wherever you end up. we're trusting Him in this together." and i thanked him. and we hung up.

and then i just sat there, on my green leather couch, and i cried. He really holds me. right in the palm of His hand. and He leads me.. my Perfect Shepherd.

glimmers of hope. part five.

the first week was long with every day going by very slowly. and then a weekend. a very short weekend. and then i started again on monday- sad but hopeful.

on monday evening, i was at home about to go to bed when my spiritual mother 'stopped in' to tell me some things she felt the Lord wanted me to know. she said these wise, divine words, "this is the most important part of the journey. your trust and faith in this part of the journey shows your devotion and heart for the Father. the Father is releasing things to you in this season that will equip and bless you and your ministry in every other season of your life. this is not a test. you have passed the test. the testing is over. sit back and rest on the angels of the Lord to give you all of the grace to sustain you through the hardest part of this journey. He's got it. He's got it and He's got you."

my heart was so thirsty for this encouragement.

as i was standing in the back of one of my classrooms on tuesday morning, mrs. o came in and was walking straight toward me. immediately i thought i had done something wrong and was about to get in trouble and all she said was, "hey, can i talk to you in the hall for a second?" for real? embarrassing.

she told me that the blessing of a principal from the very beginning called looking for me and i needed to call him immediately. i didn't have a classroom to call him back from, so i ran quickly to my friend gayla's classroom hoping to find it empty. it wasn't. i whispered to her what was going on and she promised prayers as i went to the copy room to return his call. he didn't answer. i was so torn up about it all day! i went back later in the morning and tried again. he answered! he told me that they weren't able to hire just yet, but he thought they might be able to soon. he wanted me to come in and interview to make it an 'easy transition' if they got the green light from the administration building. he wanted me to come that afternoon but i couldn't because of a lame insurance meeting. we made a date for thursday at 3:15. a sweet glimmer of hope.

but it wasn't a job yet. i wanted to stay grounded and to stay faithful to the job i already had. on thursday morning, i packed some interview clothes in my car and went back to work. around nine that morning, mrs. o came back into the very same classroom and asked to speak to me in the hallway again. she told me to be expecting a call from a different principal at a school i had never even heard of! i was blown away. she told me his name and i promised to watch my phone. nothing. at lunch-time, mrs. o came into the break room and asked told me if i needed to go home and change to hurry- but the new principal, mr. g, was ready to interview me immediately! i told her i already had some clothes in the car and she told me to get on my way. i called shelli, my spiritual momma, on my way to the school and she promised to stop and pray while i was in my interview.

as i walked up to the school building i realized for the first time in this whole journey, i was far from nervous. i was so confident in my Jesus, in His powerful, detailed love for me, and in His unfailing faithful character. He's good and His ways are good. and they will endure forever.

mercy days. part four.

you know those times in life where you are constantly questioning if the circumstances you are walking in could ever be the Lord's will? i like to call those mercy days. where if i didn't have mercy, i'd be toast.

annnnnnd that was the next couple of weeks of my life.

i accepted the job as an aide. mrs. o was gracious and kind and made it very clear that if a teaching job came up, that i would be her first choice. that helped. i felt that the Lord was giving me grace to choose and that regardless if i accepted it or not- He would make a way for me.

i had to make up some alternative staff development days that week. also known as setting up other teachers' classrooms. for no pay. humbling? absolutely. in every single way. but as a stapled, painted, cut, and cleaned, i prayed. i begged for mercy. mercy to find joy and remain steadfast in His promise to me. and this continued for the next week of work. through teachers work week and even into the first week of school.

on the first day of school, i wept on my way to school. i knew i was being obedient, but it hurt. it hurt to know i was driving to school on the first day as an aide, and that the Lord hadn't provided my own classroom yet. i was discouraged because i always thought it would happen sooner than that. it was a reality check for me to walk into the school on the first day knowing that my promise hadn't been fulfilled yet. my heart was anxious and His timing is perfect. i spent the first day trying to trust. trying to trust that His promises are always true, and trying to trust that in the end He'd be glorified. it was all that mattered in the end.

my job was hard. oh, how much respect and honor grew in me for all of the aides in schools. they work hard. and they don't have a home. each morning i would come in, not really sure where to go until my first classroom assignment. and then i bounced around the whole day- still carrying my purse. i had no home to place it in. every classroom i would go in, i would stand in the back waiting for a responsibility. i desperately needed vision. i needed hope. i needed mercy.

somedays i would go in the bathroom and literally fall to my knees. i needed Jesus to tell me what i was doing was worth it. i needed Him to affirm me and tell me i had really heard Him and was walking in obedience. two positions had opened up at the school i was working at. because of budget cuts, they transferred two teachers from other schools and were not able to make any new hires. i needed mercy. mercy to watch empty classrooms fill up and to not become bitter, angry, or even sad.

He keeps his promises. even when my heart aches and i cry out for mercy, He gives it.

yes or no. part three.

while i was in uganda, i had a friend back home watching the school district websites and sending my resume in. she wrote on my facebook to tell me she had applied for a first grade teaching position at THE school with THE principal. i was blessed and thankful. but i was in africa. my heart was in africa. i could deal with the school stuff when i got home. besides, i had a promise.

when i got back to abilene, i plugged my phone in to find a message from THE principal- that he had a job opening and needed me to come in the next morning. the only problem was- i had no idea when he left that message. it was a sunday evening so I called him, emailed him, and went to bed praying for favor.

the next morning i got a call from an abilene number and assumed it was him- so i answered quickly. a woman was on the other line so i naturally thought it was his secretary. she sounded familiar but i didn't think anything of it. she said "well, i don't have a teaching position for you- but i have a special-ed aide job open." i agreed to come in and talk about the position on wednesday afternoon. i didn't want to. but i knew for some reason that i needed to.

a few minutes after hanging up the phone, i looked up the number that called just to make sure it was his secretary. it wasn't! it was my principal and friend from the school where I student taught. there was still hope.

so i called him back again. i had to know. he answered. he was so sweet and asked so many questions about uganda and all the Lord did there. when we got down to business, he told me he left the message the day we left, which was two and a half weeks prior. and that they tried waiting but had to get the ball moving and ended up hiring someone else. he was gracious and kind and i was polite. but really i was breaking inside. he told me there might be other positions opening and he wanted me to come in and interview so if a position opened it would be an 'easy transition.' oh, i clung to those words. i needed that glimmer of hope.

i went into my interview with mrs. o at the school i student taught at. the other school that hosts african refugees. she offered me a special ed aide job at minimum wage. i told her i would pray and get back to her in the next two days.

i prayed and i prayed. it was super hard trying to hear the Lord in something that you don't want at all- but you have a promise and you're not sure if this is His route to fulfill it. it was a clash between my desire and my obedience. His heart is to bless me and make all things work together for my good. He also tells us when we trust Him and don't lean on our own understanding that He will fulfill the desires of our hearts.

i remember being in a prayer imeeting at church and begging God for just a yes or no. begging. i was desperate to walk in His will. i kept asking the Lord to give someone else the conviction to come tell me a yes or a no. and i got nothing. nothing but intimacy with Jesus and a deeper need for Him.

which, in the end, was all i ever wanted.

unexpected. part two.

a lot of people use the saying "i left my heart in _____" after going on a mission trip or something similar. i didn't. i've been called to africa for a while now and going there forever changed me. but i didn't leave my heart there. i left with a secure but strange peace. i knew i'd be back and that going back to america was absolutely necessary but also absolutely temporary. but i wasn't sure why.

rewind five months. my last college course required us to have a mock-interview with area principals and administrators. scary. i walked into our class and saw the assignments and stopped uncontrollably sweating when i realized i wasn't first on the list. but that backfired and i didn't have time to ask for tips from the girl before me. so i went in the room. i walked in that room forgetting that my God works all things together for the good of those who love him. i walked in that room expecting absolutely nothing except some awkward questions about my learning philosophy, discipline management and experience. and to all of those questions i would be bs-ing because i didn't really know any of that yet.

and then he shook my hand. i just knew in that moment that Jesus was up to something. somehow in the interview, my heart for africa surfaced. only to find out that my interviewer was the principal of one of the schools in abilene that taught the majority of abilene's african refugees. and that he went to my church. and that his sweet granddaughter was in my kindergarten sunday school class. for real? i left mostly just weirded out because lost of the time when God is that blatant, i either get scared, weirded out, or i just start uncontrollably laughing. i left that interview confident, humbled, and joyful. oh, He loves me. He loves me, He loves me, He loves me.

i went on with student teaching and then graduated. i spent my summer in discipleship school at my church and Jesus was constantly blowing my mind and wrecking my heart only to build it back up again. it was a hard summer. but oh, how it was refreshing and encouraging. but i was kind of ignoring the fact that i graduated and was going to be needing a job very soon. but that reality became more and more real as the summer continued. i applied at places where i had a peace about and i left the others. and about four weeks before school started i went to uganda. the most wonderful place on earth.

but i always remembered that promise. and that sweet blessing of a principal He sent me. they were in my mind and in my heart as the Lord ruined me in uganda.

job story.. part one.

applying for jobs has got to be one of the most horrible things ever. all along, you know that you'll be good at what you're applying for. but somehow with every word we write, our flesh and our enemy have a way of taking all of that confidence away and making us question what we're most assuredly called to be and do.

welcome to my summer.

i spent more hours than i want to count convincing myself that "oh yeah.. a seventy mile commute to the middle of nowhere wouldn't be that bad.." or "just forget it. maybe i'm not supposed to do this anyway. maybe i heard his promise incorrectly." you know the story.

but the part that never went away- the part that somehow survived through it all was that i had a promise from God. i would have never just blatantly admitted that to everyone, but you could've asked me a year ago- and i would've confidently told you that i would have my own classroom in august. it's never happened to me before. i've believed a lot of things. but i've never stood firmly on a promise like this before. i always thought i needed some sort of evidence to be able to tell anyone the God of the universe promised me, someone insignificant and unworthy without Him, a measly old job in abilene, texas.

but i believed it. and so i went to africa. about three and a half weeks before school started. because when you're trying to get a teaching job, you should definitely go to africa for two weeks during hiring season.

overflow

sometimes when i'm driving, i get have a thought and immediately, before i can process it, tears start welling up in my eyes. it's a clear, distinct moment, where for a split second, i feel the depth of thankfulness that wells up in my soul. it's uncontrollable and raw. and normally i just keep driving, cry for a few seconds, and take a snapshot in my brain.

and then i step into my classroom. where there's banging of lockers, spilling of milk, peeing of pants, pushing, shoving, laughing, tattling, disciplining, crying, yelling, encouraging, learning, growing, and refining. it's completely overwhelming and completely out of control. most of the time. my kids walk in and can't function until they hear my response to their story about their little brother pooping in the car. and then they fight over who actually found the elf on the shelf first. then they remind me, for the eighteenth time, that yesterday i said i was going to give them a candy cane for being a gentleman in the cafeteria.

and then it happens again. i look backward and i remember. i remember how faithful He's been to me to give me the very desire of my heart. i remember how intricate He was in the journey. i remember He promised me this and how i was clinging to it with everything i had. i remember how that kid, that was a gentleman, was shoving girls in line two weeks ago and that i've been praying for the Lord to help him. i remember how the kid wanting me to respond about the poop, really just wants me to look him in the eyes and make him feel important.

and it makes the banging of the lockers music to my ears- because they love to come here. it makes the yelling important, because one way or another, we're learning how to share our hearts. it makes the disciplining holy, because as i've become very familiar with, it is for our good and out of the goodness of His heart for us. and i move forward. i move forward and i look back. i move forward and i look back. because on both sides of the journey He's good. on both sides He's faithful. and on both sides He's present. and i never want to forget. i never want to forget the stories that have shown me His heart. the stories that break me to pieces and force me to align with His will. i want to remember Him.

so i'll write. i'll write and write and write testimonies of faithfulness and grace. i want my kids to read these. i want to read these when i'm ninety and laugh because i can't remember any of these things really happening. i want to remember how many times i say 'sit down' in one day, because (please, Lord) it will fade in time. i want to remember how many times my kids tell me they wish i was married, and how they wrestled a 600 pound pit bull in their backyard and then a snake came and then they thought they saw a dinosaur, but it was really just a gorilla and then they fought it and then they won and then their grandma said that she wanted to join the fight and then his brother and cousin and sister and mom and neighbor and cousin's boyfren' all said yeah us too and then they all fought it together and won and then we were on tv. but you didn't see it on tv. because that was two years ago. on a channel you can't get in abilene.

i want to remember it forever.