i don't ever remember feeling unsafe growing up. my parents did a wonderful job always making me feel protected and secure. but after the accident, i didn't have that safety anymore. i had to learn to 'do it myself' and controlling situations and circumstances was my pseudo-safety.
it took me a really long time to realize this was sin.
i saw it as totally necessary. if i didn't do it myself or i didn't control the situation then i wasn't safe. but i just didn't know the sovereignty of God.. or trust it yet. i wasn't ready to let him fill the 'safety-giver's' shoes. i felt as if i'd been burned, and to prevent getting burned again, i had to control it all. as if i'm better at keeping myself safe than the God of the universe is. whoa. sometimes i still fall back into that pattern, but it's being redeemed day by day.
He is my safety. but by no means is a life following Jesus ever safe. i'm learning that. my soul is forever safe because my Leader never changes, never fails, and never wastes a thing. but there are times, as a follower, that i am totally out of control, waiting and expecting the Father to lead me, with no earthly idea where He might take me. learning and knowing the character of God has taught me to be at peace with the uncertainty of my circumstances. His character is safe but my life is not.
i see this reflected often in my kids' lives.
their lives are never safe. they live in terrible neighborhoods. they have no structure. they have no idea whose house they will be sleeping at tonight. they aren't sure where their mom has been for the past four nights. they can't remember the last time they saw their dad. mom was supposed to come for lunch, but probably just got busy. stepdad's temper is unpredictable and everyone conforms to his mood for the day.
i can't imagine.
i cry out to God that my kids will know Him. really know Him. and that the grossness of their circumstances would fade under the character and nature of God. i do my best to reflect it, but know i constantly fail and lack so much of the peace that only He can give.
i had the sweetest day a couple of weeks ago.
one of my sweet girls, asia, lost a necklace in pe that her mom gave her. she was hysterical when she came back from pe and noticed it was gone. i told her we could walk around the playground and go back to pe and music checking for it. we searched for a few minutes and then she had to go catch her daycare bus. i told her i would search for it for a little while longer. i remember that panicky feeling being a little kid thinking 'my mom's gonna killllllll me...' sweet girl.
well, she came back to my classroom a few minutes later telling me she missed the daycare bus. i had no idea what this meant for her, so i took her to the office to ask what to do. the secretary called the daycare and they told her they would be back in an hour to pick up the kids that were in tutoring. she asked me if i'd mind keeping asia with me until then. to be honest, at first, i was thinking 'for reallllllll? i have so much to do. i've been with kids all day long and i just need a minute to breathe.' and then i submitted to Jesus and realized that i never get to spend time with my kids one on one and that this could be really good.
as we were walking back to the classroom, i told her 'alright asia.. we're not doing any school stuff today. we're just going to have lots of fun- just the two of us.' i took her to the vending machines and she got a 7-up and a butterfinger. we went back to the classroom and i asked her what she wanted to do. i said 'we can do anything you want! watch a movie, play games, read books, puzzles, go to the playground.. whatever you want!' she chose making copies. so we went to the copy room and copied math tests. she loved it and you could tell that she felt like a million bucks. then we went back to the classroom and played trouble, operation, and we talked about her life. she felt treasured. i could see it all over her face.
when we were walking out the door on our way to go catch the daycare bus, she looked up at me and said 'miss may.... thank you...' already i felt a warmth in my heart, and a tiny bit choked up. i said 'for what, sweetheart?' and she responded 'for always takin' care of me..'
that's when the tears welled up. it's a big deal for a second graders to ever communicate appreciation, much less with so much sincerity. it melted me. i got down on her level, looked her right in the eyes and said 'i will always take care of you, asia. even when you're not in my class. i will pray for you- and Jesus.. He will keep you safe..' she looked at me with such confidence and said 'i know' with a smile.
she walked in the next morning and looked at me with such joy. i remember that feeling. it's like you have a special connection that nobody else knows about- and it brings you both so much pride. she smiled the biggest grin and it was like we both just knew.
that's the kind of safety His character gives me. just enough to where we both just know. regardless of my circumstances, He is safe and i can find peace and rest in Him alone.
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