limits.

round two. twenty two brand new little babies. they're a hand-full to say the very least. they're silly, they're funny, they're loud, they're out of control, they're all totally unique. they need me. they love me. they trust me. they respect me. and i love them. deeply, truly- i love them.

i loved my class last year. they were perfect for me. i had the perfect mix of everything. i have missed them desperately this year. my heart doesn't naturally understand how to love someone so much- and then hand them over into someone else's hands. my heart still aches a little at the thought of their faces. Jesus has got them- i just wish i had them too.


i never knew it was possible to love someone so much. 


and that's when it happens.


i've been learning- experientially- what it means to trust Jesus with your limits.


it's like every time i get to a place where i feel that i've maxed out- on love, on time, on patience, on forgiveness, on resources- He just whispers for me to go a little deeper. just a little deeper.

He doesn't do limits. there aren't limits on His love for me, His patience for me, His time for me, His forgiveness for me, His resources toward me- there is no limit.

He just keeps pushing me. just when i think i have nothing left- i go a little further. when i feel like i can't forgive again- He asks and expects me to. and it's there is life there. fruit, joy, the presence of God- it waits when we hold on at our limits. He is faithful to meet us at the end of our limit- and He promises blessing and provision when we cling to His faithfulness. You brought me here, oh God- you can push my limit further back.

my prayer is that He just keeps pushing. He just keeps pushing until i look just like Jesus- the Man who never had too much of anything. He always knew just what the Father was doing- and even if it looked like He was at the very end- He just kept going and He just kept trusting.

so today i'll wait. at my end, i'll wait more.
and today i'll forgive. and at my end, i'll forgive more.
and today i'll trust. and at my end, i'll trust even more.

i love my class this year more than i ever knew i could. my capacity has only expanded. and even though it's scary to think of the more Jesus has for me, i'll keep going. it's my destiny- for the rest of my life to continuously give up my limits for the chance to know Him deeper. and i'll do it. i'll keep dying. i'll keep trusting. and i'll keep letting go.


because i just want to be where He is.

refreshed vision.

i came into the school year full of vision. after the faithfulness of the Lord in getting my job, four years of college, lots of praying, all of the preparation, i was so ready.

welp, after a semester, that vision was faded. almost gone. come december, i was tired and done. i've never needed a break more in my entire life. i remember one monday evening, i stayed in my classroom until almost nine at night, and after getting in my car- i had no idea what i was doing all of that time. i was totally exhausted and desperate for a break.

the break came and it was so good. i was so healthy and finally thinking clearly. i was sleeping in and being intentional with my time. the wedding came and went and it was perfect. but i was not thinking about school not one bit. and before i knew it, it was the wednesday before school on thursday.

workday. gross.

my friend and mentor, michelle, sent me an e-mail of some pictures with this sweet message.. "praying for God's strength, grace, power, renewed vision, and passion for your classroom! praying for your precious kids! what seeds they are being sown!!"

i had no vision. none. i was not ready to come back to school and i was not ready to be responsible for twenty one little lives. no way jose. i was loving sleeping in, reading books, and hanging out with my friends. i didn't have the passion i did when i began teaching- having a break was just too nice. i was refreshed, but i didn't have renewed vision. and i needed it desperately.

so i spent all day praying. as i worked in my classroom and cleaned up their desks, i prayed. i prayed for each of them and for the Lord to remind me why i was their teacher and spending so much precious time with that very child. i prayed for patience, for grace, for strength, and for vision. but i got nothing. i was still wanting to go home and watch netflix and sleep in the next morning.

i stopped in the office on my way out to grab my mail and the secretary said 'oh great! miss may! could you please go in mr. g's office?' oh no. something in me just knew that it wasn't good but i had no idea what it was. there was a woman in the office i had never seen before and the counselor. i introduced myself and sat down feeling heaviness on my chest and feeling a little choked up, with no idea why.

all i can remember her saying is 'you probably saw it on the news...' like eight million times. but i don't have cable. i had no idea what to say about that so i just nodded hoping she would realize i didn't really understand. come to find out, she is the now guardian of one of my little men of God, kole.

on new years' eve, kole was left in the backseat of a car while his mom and her boyfriend went inside a bar. they found him cold and scared in the parking lot.

that's really all i knew. she talked and talked and i heard nothing. all i could think about was how deeply i wanted to run out of the room and go get him. and take him to mcdonald's and ask him about his heart. i wanted that more than anything. but i had to say something. it was getting awkward. so i spit out 'is he.... sad?..'  and she told me he didn't talk about it much.

i already knew that. i know him. and i know he wouldn't have spilled his guts. he would've pretended like everything was fine. he would've been laughing and playing and never talking about what happened. and then she told me she walked past his room the evening before and she could hear him crying in his bed.

my poor baby was hurting. i was completely broken and had no idea what to do. we ended our conversation and i went back to my room and fell to pieces.

as i prayed and thought and wrestled, i remembered. i remembered why i do what i do. why the Lord put him in my class, out of the hundreds of second grade classrooms in abilene. he could've been anywhere, but God gave him to me. i felt so unworthy but in an instant God changed my heart. He reminded me why the journey getting to my classroom was so heavy- because He needed me to stand faithfully on His promises. and His promise in this season was that He was going to use me. He was going to ruin me for His glory.

i woke up thursday morning ready. my vision for my semester was simple, refreshed, and so very clear:

love them and show them who I am.

stewie

in my classroom, we have an elf, stewie.

he's the greatest discipline management i've come across yet. he's an elf on the shelf- a little box set at target that comes with a box and a book. for thirty bucks.. a little doll and a book. but whatever. the whole idea is when stewie arrives, you give him a name and that gives him his christmas magic. this means that every night when we are sleeping, stewie flies to the north pole to tell santa whether we had a naughty day or a nice day. but if you touch him, he loses his christmas magic. so you can't touch him.. ever. i made a really big deal out of this. like too far over the top.

every morning when stewie returns from the north pole, he hides in a new place in the classroom. the first person that finds him is the 'winner'. which means absolutely nothing.. but they love it none-the-less.

when my kids would misbehave i would say things like "whoa, that sure was a bad choice. i hope stewie saw that behavior." or "i may not be watching.. but stewie is always watching." i know, i told you- too far. but it worked.. and so i milked it.

because of this emphasis i put on stewie, my kids fell in love with this doll. like they love this elf. they swear they see his eyes moving and that they saw his arm move. they say he's staring at them when they're in line. and they sit on the floor and talk to him and give him messages to give to santa. whatever, i don't care as long as my kids are somewhat behaving themselves and loving one another.

one day, as i was running late to school, i realized i forgot to move stewie. big mistake because some of my kids are really early to school. aka: get there before the teacher.. embarrassing. so that morning, i told them i had some special things i needed to do and that they needed to wait in the hall. so i quickly threw stewie up on the ledge above our clock, which is near the door, and let the kids in. no big deal.

until later, when sweet shaquita shut the door a little too hard and stewie fell from the ledge and bumped off of her head and into the trash can. she came running to my desk with eyes of absolute shock and fear, "miss may!!!!! stewie touched me and fell into the trash can!!! now he loses his christmas magic and it's all my fault!!!!!!!!!" i told her that stewie only loses his christmas magic if you touch him.. not if he touches us. i was making up rules to end the crisis. but by now the entire class knew and saw poor stewie in the trash can. they were freaking out. but i made a big deal about not touching stewie even though he was in the trash can. i had to survive the last few days of school. they couldn't find out that this was a total crock just yet. i told them we had to leave him in the trash can and that i would tell the janitor not to dump out our trash so he could crawl out when everyone was in bed. they were all at peace.. so we moved on with our day.

the next morning as i was walking into my classroom i thought to myself "ah! i forgot to move stewie again!" and then i remembered. stewie was in the trashcan. i prayed and prayed as i ran to the back of my classroom and realized the trash was empty. he was gone. i totally forgot about the little guy and i was about to face twenty one precious, eager faces. and when they came in.. i told them the truth. well, sorda. i told them that i forgot to tell the janitor and that he came right after i left for the evening so stewie must have been to afraid to come out. so he was in the dump. and hopefully he would find his way back soon.

meanwhile, i'm frantically searching the internet to see if you could buy just the doll and i couldn't find one anywhere. and my kids couldn't have just any elf. they needed stewie. i needed stewie.

one of my sweet girls, viviana, came up to me after the announcements and said "miss may.. during the moment of silence.. i prayed for stewie... that he's alive... and that he'll come home soon.." welp, i felt terrible. and then as i was walking the kids out of the classroom to computer i saw a small scrap of construction paper taped to the wall over the trashcan. i pulled it off and read it as we walked. it said "dear stewie, i really hope you make it out of the dup. cuz we love you." ridiculous. my kids are too cute for words.

so i decided i had to get another thirty dollar elf box. there was no question. but that evening was my bff's lingerie shower that i had spent a loooong time planning. and there was no way i'd have any time between school and the shower to drive across town to go get the doll. emergency. after school i called kelsey, my bff, and told her about the stewie happenings of the day. we both laughed and felt bad at the same time.

well, i went to start getting everything together for the shower, took it over, decorated, and before i knew it- it was time to party. the party went great and it was super fun. but it was 10:30 and target was definitely closed. i was going to have to make up another lie and hold out til monday.

kelsey told me that she needed to chat with me in the back bedroom. she told me that she was praying for the past few weeks for something good to get me as a gift for throwing her shower. she said that earlier that morning she was still frustrated that she still didn't feel like the Lord had given her anything that would really bless me. and then that afternoon when i called, she knew exactly what to get.

she handed over that sweet new stewie. it warmed my heart and filled me with joy. the next morning my kids flipped. out. when he was laying underneath the christmas tree with a cast around his arm. it was the sweetest morning yet.

isn't it so sweet that Jesus sees our needs? regardless of how small or huge, He knows us. He knows the depths of our heart and meets us right where we are. He knew that what i really needed that night was a little elf doll. and that the little elf doll would not only bless me, but bring the little angels in my life joy and laughter- which was really what i wanted most. thanks, Lord. You see me, know me, and love me extravagantly and tenderly. even the details.

and thanks, kels.. for listening. :)