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sometimes when i'm driving, i get have a thought and immediately, before i can process it, tears start welling up in my eyes. it's a clear, distinct moment, where for a split second, i feel the depth of thankfulness that wells up in my soul. it's uncontrollable and raw. and normally i just keep driving, cry for a few seconds, and take a snapshot in my brain.

and then i step into my classroom. where there's banging of lockers, spilling of milk, peeing of pants, pushing, shoving, laughing, tattling, disciplining, crying, yelling, encouraging, learning, growing, and refining. it's completely overwhelming and completely out of control. most of the time. my kids walk in and can't function until they hear my response to their story about their little brother pooping in the car. and then they fight over who actually found the elf on the shelf first. then they remind me, for the eighteenth time, that yesterday i said i was going to give them a candy cane for being a gentleman in the cafeteria.

and then it happens again. i look backward and i remember. i remember how faithful He's been to me to give me the very desire of my heart. i remember how intricate He was in the journey. i remember He promised me this and how i was clinging to it with everything i had. i remember how that kid, that was a gentleman, was shoving girls in line two weeks ago and that i've been praying for the Lord to help him. i remember how the kid wanting me to respond about the poop, really just wants me to look him in the eyes and make him feel important.

and it makes the banging of the lockers music to my ears- because they love to come here. it makes the yelling important, because one way or another, we're learning how to share our hearts. it makes the disciplining holy, because as i've become very familiar with, it is for our good and out of the goodness of His heart for us. and i move forward. i move forward and i look back. i move forward and i look back. because on both sides of the journey He's good. on both sides He's faithful. and on both sides He's present. and i never want to forget. i never want to forget the stories that have shown me His heart. the stories that break me to pieces and force me to align with His will. i want to remember Him.

so i'll write. i'll write and write and write testimonies of faithfulness and grace. i want my kids to read these. i want to read these when i'm ninety and laugh because i can't remember any of these things really happening. i want to remember how many times i say 'sit down' in one day, because (please, Lord) it will fade in time. i want to remember how many times my kids tell me they wish i was married, and how they wrestled a 600 pound pit bull in their backyard and then a snake came and then they thought they saw a dinosaur, but it was really just a gorilla and then they fought it and then they won and then their grandma said that she wanted to join the fight and then his brother and cousin and sister and mom and neighbor and cousin's boyfren' all said yeah us too and then they all fought it together and won and then we were on tv. but you didn't see it on tv. because that was two years ago. on a channel you can't get in abilene.

i want to remember it forever.