right here, right now.

i've never been the type to easily be discontented.

i'm normally really happy, content, and thankful for the season i'm walking through in life.

but lately, not so much.


i keep finding myself in these places where i'm mixing discontentment and knowing there's more to where i'm at in life. it's clouding my vision. i know there's always more for me and my life- i know it and believe it. but i have been having to remind myself daily what it means to trust Jesus with the day to day.

what does it mean? what does it mean to be discontented- but in a holy, healthy way- believing God's promises and not settling until you have them- yet still maintaining a thankful, pure, and steadfast heart?

i believe that part of my destiny in the Kingdom of God is to hold fast to His promises to me- until the very end of everything i have or can muster up- and watch the Father come through miraculously for me. it has happened in my life time and time again.



money in college was really hard for me. i would go back and forth seeing God provide miraculously to a totally empty bank account again and again. don't get me wrong- i was a struggling steward.. not handling it in the most responsible way. i still tried. when i was totally on 'e' i would call my aunt and ask her to transfer some money to my account- this was borderline devastating to me every time because i knew this money was coming from money put back when i was in high school for my wedding. so each time i would call, i would just watch- and feel- the pain of feeling like i wasn't covered or protected. it was really painful.

i still hurt for myself on those days sometimes. it's not fair that i had a present need but had to watch my future dreams fade away. but it was life.

and then one day, my little wedding fund was gone.

it broke my heart. but i had to trust. He's bigger. stronger.

then rent time came again. i needed $300 to pay my rent. it was about two days until our rent was due and i was sad. it's the only real way to describe it. i felt like i had literally exhausted every option- yet made no progress. i cried out to Jesus sitting in my car- outside of our school's student union building- begging for something... anything....

'don't you see? do you remember me? am i ever going to get to a place where i don't have to do this?'

He said nothing.. nothing.

i walked inside to meet a friend for lunch, pulled myself together, and walked to my school mailbox. i had to check before we could leave.

inside my mailbox was a check for almost two thousand dollars.

yes, two thousand dollars.

it was from some land i inherited (that i had no idea about) from my dad- they wanted to dig for oil on it and were offering two thousand dollars for me to sign an oil lease.

i just sobbed. i couldn't believe He would extravagantly meet my needs like this. who is this God that sees me and goes above and beyond my needs?

i wrote my rent check confidently that day. He's the one who provides, and restores.



on days like today, where i am wondering if He'll ever pull through- or fulfill His promises to me- i remember His faithfulness to me. it's a theme He's been proving again and again to me- if i can just hang on to His promises- cling to my faith- believe Him just one more time- He'll show up. He always has- and always will.

so today in the midst of my discontented heart- i'll remember that a discontented heart is bait for me to cling to Him, hold a little tighter, and trust a little more. discontentment isn't always bad. sometimes it's holy. if it can lead me to the Savior of the world to ask for vision, clarity, wisdom, and provision- then that's what i want and that's where i'll go every time.

every time, right here, right now.. that's where i'll go.

my little house where i paid that rent :)

limits.

round two. twenty two brand new little babies. they're a hand-full to say the very least. they're silly, they're funny, they're loud, they're out of control, they're all totally unique. they need me. they love me. they trust me. they respect me. and i love them. deeply, truly- i love them.

i loved my class last year. they were perfect for me. i had the perfect mix of everything. i have missed them desperately this year. my heart doesn't naturally understand how to love someone so much- and then hand them over into someone else's hands. my heart still aches a little at the thought of their faces. Jesus has got them- i just wish i had them too.


i never knew it was possible to love someone so much. 


and that's when it happens.


i've been learning- experientially- what it means to trust Jesus with your limits.


it's like every time i get to a place where i feel that i've maxed out- on love, on time, on patience, on forgiveness, on resources- He just whispers for me to go a little deeper. just a little deeper.

He doesn't do limits. there aren't limits on His love for me, His patience for me, His time for me, His forgiveness for me, His resources toward me- there is no limit.

He just keeps pushing me. just when i think i have nothing left- i go a little further. when i feel like i can't forgive again- He asks and expects me to. and it's there is life there. fruit, joy, the presence of God- it waits when we hold on at our limits. He is faithful to meet us at the end of our limit- and He promises blessing and provision when we cling to His faithfulness. You brought me here, oh God- you can push my limit further back.

my prayer is that He just keeps pushing. He just keeps pushing until i look just like Jesus- the Man who never had too much of anything. He always knew just what the Father was doing- and even if it looked like He was at the very end- He just kept going and He just kept trusting.

so today i'll wait. at my end, i'll wait more.
and today i'll forgive. and at my end, i'll forgive more.
and today i'll trust. and at my end, i'll trust even more.

i love my class this year more than i ever knew i could. my capacity has only expanded. and even though it's scary to think of the more Jesus has for me, i'll keep going. it's my destiny- for the rest of my life to continuously give up my limits for the chance to know Him deeper. and i'll do it. i'll keep dying. i'll keep trusting. and i'll keep letting go.


because i just want to be where He is.