right here, right now.

i've never been the type to easily be discontented.

i'm normally really happy, content, and thankful for the season i'm walking through in life.

but lately, not so much.


i keep finding myself in these places where i'm mixing discontentment and knowing there's more to where i'm at in life. it's clouding my vision. i know there's always more for me and my life- i know it and believe it. but i have been having to remind myself daily what it means to trust Jesus with the day to day.

what does it mean? what does it mean to be discontented- but in a holy, healthy way- believing God's promises and not settling until you have them- yet still maintaining a thankful, pure, and steadfast heart?

i believe that part of my destiny in the Kingdom of God is to hold fast to His promises to me- until the very end of everything i have or can muster up- and watch the Father come through miraculously for me. it has happened in my life time and time again.



money in college was really hard for me. i would go back and forth seeing God provide miraculously to a totally empty bank account again and again. don't get me wrong- i was a struggling steward.. not handling it in the most responsible way. i still tried. when i was totally on 'e' i would call my aunt and ask her to transfer some money to my account- this was borderline devastating to me every time because i knew this money was coming from money put back when i was in high school for my wedding. so each time i would call, i would just watch- and feel- the pain of feeling like i wasn't covered or protected. it was really painful.

i still hurt for myself on those days sometimes. it's not fair that i had a present need but had to watch my future dreams fade away. but it was life.

and then one day, my little wedding fund was gone.

it broke my heart. but i had to trust. He's bigger. stronger.

then rent time came again. i needed $300 to pay my rent. it was about two days until our rent was due and i was sad. it's the only real way to describe it. i felt like i had literally exhausted every option- yet made no progress. i cried out to Jesus sitting in my car- outside of our school's student union building- begging for something... anything....

'don't you see? do you remember me? am i ever going to get to a place where i don't have to do this?'

He said nothing.. nothing.

i walked inside to meet a friend for lunch, pulled myself together, and walked to my school mailbox. i had to check before we could leave.

inside my mailbox was a check for almost two thousand dollars.

yes, two thousand dollars.

it was from some land i inherited (that i had no idea about) from my dad- they wanted to dig for oil on it and were offering two thousand dollars for me to sign an oil lease.

i just sobbed. i couldn't believe He would extravagantly meet my needs like this. who is this God that sees me and goes above and beyond my needs?

i wrote my rent check confidently that day. He's the one who provides, and restores.



on days like today, where i am wondering if He'll ever pull through- or fulfill His promises to me- i remember His faithfulness to me. it's a theme He's been proving again and again to me- if i can just hang on to His promises- cling to my faith- believe Him just one more time- He'll show up. He always has- and always will.

so today in the midst of my discontented heart- i'll remember that a discontented heart is bait for me to cling to Him, hold a little tighter, and trust a little more. discontentment isn't always bad. sometimes it's holy. if it can lead me to the Savior of the world to ask for vision, clarity, wisdom, and provision- then that's what i want and that's where i'll go every time.

every time, right here, right now.. that's where i'll go.

my little house where i paid that rent :)

limits.

round two. twenty two brand new little babies. they're a hand-full to say the very least. they're silly, they're funny, they're loud, they're out of control, they're all totally unique. they need me. they love me. they trust me. they respect me. and i love them. deeply, truly- i love them.

i loved my class last year. they were perfect for me. i had the perfect mix of everything. i have missed them desperately this year. my heart doesn't naturally understand how to love someone so much- and then hand them over into someone else's hands. my heart still aches a little at the thought of their faces. Jesus has got them- i just wish i had them too.


i never knew it was possible to love someone so much. 


and that's when it happens.


i've been learning- experientially- what it means to trust Jesus with your limits.


it's like every time i get to a place where i feel that i've maxed out- on love, on time, on patience, on forgiveness, on resources- He just whispers for me to go a little deeper. just a little deeper.

He doesn't do limits. there aren't limits on His love for me, His patience for me, His time for me, His forgiveness for me, His resources toward me- there is no limit.

He just keeps pushing me. just when i think i have nothing left- i go a little further. when i feel like i can't forgive again- He asks and expects me to. and it's there is life there. fruit, joy, the presence of God- it waits when we hold on at our limits. He is faithful to meet us at the end of our limit- and He promises blessing and provision when we cling to His faithfulness. You brought me here, oh God- you can push my limit further back.

my prayer is that He just keeps pushing. He just keeps pushing until i look just like Jesus- the Man who never had too much of anything. He always knew just what the Father was doing- and even if it looked like He was at the very end- He just kept going and He just kept trusting.

so today i'll wait. at my end, i'll wait more.
and today i'll forgive. and at my end, i'll forgive more.
and today i'll trust. and at my end, i'll trust even more.

i love my class this year more than i ever knew i could. my capacity has only expanded. and even though it's scary to think of the more Jesus has for me, i'll keep going. it's my destiny- for the rest of my life to continuously give up my limits for the chance to know Him deeper. and i'll do it. i'll keep dying. i'll keep trusting. and i'll keep letting go.


because i just want to be where He is.

safe.

being safe has always been a reallllllly big deal to me. not physically safe. i really never bother with any of that stuff.. locking doors, avoiding going places alone.. dumb things. but emotionally and spiritually safe. i think it's because of the trauma. i felt safe for so long and then had to totally relearn what being safe even was.

i don't ever remember feeling unsafe growing up. my parents did a wonderful job always making me feel protected and secure. but after the accident, i didn't have that safety anymore. i had to learn to 'do it myself' and controlling situations and circumstances was my pseudo-safety.

it took me a really long time to realize this was sin.

i saw it as totally necessary. if i didn't do it myself or i didn't control the situation then i wasn't safe. but i just didn't know the sovereignty of God.. or trust it yet. i wasn't ready to let him fill the 'safety-giver's' shoes. i felt as if i'd been burned, and to prevent getting burned again, i had to control it all. as if i'm better at keeping myself safe than the God of the universe is. whoa. sometimes i still fall back into that pattern, but it's being redeemed day by day.

He is my safety. but by no means is a life following Jesus ever safe. i'm learning that. my soul is forever safe because my Leader never changes, never fails, and never wastes a thing. but there are times, as a follower, that i am totally out of control, waiting and expecting the Father to lead me, with no earthly idea where He might take me. learning and knowing the character of God has taught me to be at peace with the uncertainty of my circumstances. His character is safe but my life is not.

i see this reflected often in my kids' lives.

their lives are never safe. they live in terrible neighborhoods. they have no structure. they have no idea whose house they will be sleeping at tonight. they aren't sure where their mom has been for the past four nights. they can't remember the last time they saw their dad. mom was supposed to come for lunch, but probably just got busy. stepdad's temper is unpredictable and everyone conforms to his mood for the day.

i can't imagine.

i cry out to God that my kids will know Him. really know Him. and that the grossness of their circumstances would fade under the character and nature of God. i do my best to reflect it, but know i constantly fail and lack so much of the peace that only He can give.

i had the sweetest day a couple of weeks ago.

one of my sweet girls, asia, lost a necklace in pe that her mom gave her. she was hysterical when she came back from pe and noticed it was gone. i told her we could walk around the playground and go back to pe and music checking for it. we searched for a few minutes and then she had to go catch her daycare bus. i told her i would search for it for a little while longer. i remember that panicky feeling being a little kid thinking 'my mom's gonna killllllll me...' sweet girl.

well, she came back to my classroom a few minutes later telling me she missed the daycare bus. i had no idea what this meant for her, so i took her to the office to ask what to do. the secretary called the daycare and they told her they would be back in an hour to pick up the kids that were in tutoring. she asked me if i'd mind keeping asia with me until then. to be honest, at first, i was thinking 'for reallllllll? i have so much to do. i've been with kids all day long and i just need a minute to breathe.' and then i submitted to Jesus and realized that i never get to spend time with my kids one on one and that this could be really good.

as we were walking back to the classroom, i told her 'alright asia.. we're not doing any school stuff today. we're just going to have lots of fun- just the two of us.' i took her to the vending machines and she got a 7-up and a butterfinger. we went back to the classroom and i asked her what she wanted to do. i said 'we can do anything you want! watch a movie, play games, read books, puzzles, go to the playground.. whatever you want!' she chose making copies. so we went to the copy room and copied math tests. she loved it and you could tell that she felt like a million bucks. then we went back to the classroom and played trouble, operation, and we talked about her life. she felt treasured. i could see it all over her face.

when we were walking out the door on our way to go catch the daycare bus, she looked up at me and said 'miss may.... thank you...'  already i felt a warmth in my heart, and a tiny bit choked up. i said 'for what, sweetheart?' and she responded 'for always takin' care of me..'

that's when the tears welled up. it's a big deal for a second graders to ever communicate appreciation, much less with so much sincerity. it melted me. i got down on her level, looked her right in the eyes and said 'i will always take care of you, asia. even when you're not in my class. i will pray for you- and Jesus.. He will keep you safe..' she looked at me with such confidence and said 'i know' with a smile.

she walked in the next morning and looked at me with such joy. i remember that feeling. it's like you have a special connection that nobody else knows about- and it brings you both so much pride. she smiled the biggest grin and it was like we both just knew.

that's the kind of safety His character gives me. just enough to where we both just know. regardless of my circumstances, He is safe and i can find peace and rest in Him alone.