welp, after a semester, that vision was faded. almost gone. come december, i was tired and done. i've never needed a break more in my entire life. i remember one monday evening, i stayed in my classroom until almost nine at night, and after getting in my car- i had no idea what i was doing all of that time. i was totally exhausted and desperate for a break.
the break came and it was so good. i was so healthy and finally thinking clearly. i was sleeping in and being intentional with my time. the wedding came and went and it was perfect. but i was not thinking about school not one bit. and before i knew it, it was the wednesday before school on thursday.
workday. gross.
my friend and mentor, michelle, sent me an e-mail of some pictures with this sweet message.. "praying for God's strength, grace, power, renewed vision, and passion for your classroom! praying for your precious kids! what seeds they are being sown!!"
i had no vision. none. i was not ready to come back to school and i was not ready to be responsible for twenty one little lives. no way jose. i was loving sleeping in, reading books, and hanging out with my friends. i didn't have the passion i did when i began teaching- having a break was just too nice. i was refreshed, but i didn't have renewed vision. and i needed it desperately.
so i spent all day praying. as i worked in my classroom and cleaned up their desks, i prayed. i prayed for each of them and for the Lord to remind me why i was their teacher and spending so much precious time with that very child. i prayed for patience, for grace, for strength, and for vision. but i got nothing. i was still wanting to go home and watch netflix and sleep in the next morning.
i stopped in the office on my way out to grab my mail and the secretary said 'oh great! miss may! could you please go in mr. g's office?' oh no. something in me just knew that it wasn't good but i had no idea what it was. there was a woman in the office i had never seen before and the counselor. i introduced myself and sat down feeling heaviness on my chest and feeling a little choked up, with no idea why.
all i can remember her saying is 'you probably saw it on the news...' like eight million times. but i don't have cable. i had no idea what to say about that so i just nodded hoping she would realize i didn't really understand. come to find out, she is the now guardian of one of my little men of God, kole.
on new years' eve, kole was left in the backseat of a car while his mom and her boyfriend went inside a bar. they found him cold and scared in the parking lot.
that's really all i knew. she talked and talked and i heard nothing. all i could think about was how deeply i wanted to run out of the room and go get him. and take him to mcdonald's and ask him about his heart. i wanted that more than anything. but i had to say something. it was getting awkward. so i spit out 'is he.... sad?..' and she told me he didn't talk about it much.
i already knew that. i know him. and i know he wouldn't have spilled his guts. he would've pretended like everything was fine. he would've been laughing and playing and never talking about what happened. and then she told me she walked past his room the evening before and she could hear him crying in his bed.
my poor baby was hurting. i was completely broken and had no idea what to do. we ended our conversation and i went back to my room and fell to pieces.
as i prayed and thought and wrestled, i remembered. i remembered why i do what i do. why the Lord put him in my class, out of the hundreds of second grade classrooms in abilene. he could've been anywhere, but God gave him to me. i felt so unworthy but in an instant God changed my heart. He reminded me why the journey getting to my classroom was so heavy- because He needed me to stand faithfully on His promises. and His promise in this season was that He was going to use me. He was going to ruin me for His glory.
i woke up thursday morning ready. my vision for my semester was simple, refreshed, and so very clear:
love them and show them who I am.
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