safe.

being safe has always been a reallllllly big deal to me. not physically safe. i really never bother with any of that stuff.. locking doors, avoiding going places alone.. dumb things. but emotionally and spiritually safe. i think it's because of the trauma. i felt safe for so long and then had to totally relearn what being safe even was.

i don't ever remember feeling unsafe growing up. my parents did a wonderful job always making me feel protected and secure. but after the accident, i didn't have that safety anymore. i had to learn to 'do it myself' and controlling situations and circumstances was my pseudo-safety.

it took me a really long time to realize this was sin.

i saw it as totally necessary. if i didn't do it myself or i didn't control the situation then i wasn't safe. but i just didn't know the sovereignty of God.. or trust it yet. i wasn't ready to let him fill the 'safety-giver's' shoes. i felt as if i'd been burned, and to prevent getting burned again, i had to control it all. as if i'm better at keeping myself safe than the God of the universe is. whoa. sometimes i still fall back into that pattern, but it's being redeemed day by day.

He is my safety. but by no means is a life following Jesus ever safe. i'm learning that. my soul is forever safe because my Leader never changes, never fails, and never wastes a thing. but there are times, as a follower, that i am totally out of control, waiting and expecting the Father to lead me, with no earthly idea where He might take me. learning and knowing the character of God has taught me to be at peace with the uncertainty of my circumstances. His character is safe but my life is not.

i see this reflected often in my kids' lives.

their lives are never safe. they live in terrible neighborhoods. they have no structure. they have no idea whose house they will be sleeping at tonight. they aren't sure where their mom has been for the past four nights. they can't remember the last time they saw their dad. mom was supposed to come for lunch, but probably just got busy. stepdad's temper is unpredictable and everyone conforms to his mood for the day.

i can't imagine.

i cry out to God that my kids will know Him. really know Him. and that the grossness of their circumstances would fade under the character and nature of God. i do my best to reflect it, but know i constantly fail and lack so much of the peace that only He can give.

i had the sweetest day a couple of weeks ago.

one of my sweet girls, asia, lost a necklace in pe that her mom gave her. she was hysterical when she came back from pe and noticed it was gone. i told her we could walk around the playground and go back to pe and music checking for it. we searched for a few minutes and then she had to go catch her daycare bus. i told her i would search for it for a little while longer. i remember that panicky feeling being a little kid thinking 'my mom's gonna killllllll me...' sweet girl.

well, she came back to my classroom a few minutes later telling me she missed the daycare bus. i had no idea what this meant for her, so i took her to the office to ask what to do. the secretary called the daycare and they told her they would be back in an hour to pick up the kids that were in tutoring. she asked me if i'd mind keeping asia with me until then. to be honest, at first, i was thinking 'for reallllllll? i have so much to do. i've been with kids all day long and i just need a minute to breathe.' and then i submitted to Jesus and realized that i never get to spend time with my kids one on one and that this could be really good.

as we were walking back to the classroom, i told her 'alright asia.. we're not doing any school stuff today. we're just going to have lots of fun- just the two of us.' i took her to the vending machines and she got a 7-up and a butterfinger. we went back to the classroom and i asked her what she wanted to do. i said 'we can do anything you want! watch a movie, play games, read books, puzzles, go to the playground.. whatever you want!' she chose making copies. so we went to the copy room and copied math tests. she loved it and you could tell that she felt like a million bucks. then we went back to the classroom and played trouble, operation, and we talked about her life. she felt treasured. i could see it all over her face.

when we were walking out the door on our way to go catch the daycare bus, she looked up at me and said 'miss may.... thank you...'  already i felt a warmth in my heart, and a tiny bit choked up. i said 'for what, sweetheart?' and she responded 'for always takin' care of me..'

that's when the tears welled up. it's a big deal for a second graders to ever communicate appreciation, much less with so much sincerity. it melted me. i got down on her level, looked her right in the eyes and said 'i will always take care of you, asia. even when you're not in my class. i will pray for you- and Jesus.. He will keep you safe..' she looked at me with such confidence and said 'i know' with a smile.

she walked in the next morning and looked at me with such joy. i remember that feeling. it's like you have a special connection that nobody else knows about- and it brings you both so much pride. she smiled the biggest grin and it was like we both just knew.

that's the kind of safety His character gives me. just enough to where we both just know. regardless of my circumstances, He is safe and i can find peace and rest in Him alone.

fruit in season

i teach kindergarten sunday school. most times when i tell people that they're like 'oh my gosh- you must be overdoing yourself with kids every day of the week..' or something to that effect. sometimes i think so too.

actually, most saturday nights i think that.

but it always changes on sunday mornings. it always ends up being an overwhelming blessing. i am meant to teach kids about Jesus. it's what i'm called to do. i love teaching my kids about math and reading and martin luther king jr. and weather. kind of. but mostly i love teaching kids about Jesus. i love seeing them understand His truth and walk in ridiculous amounts of faith. it changes me.

i need them more than they need me. i need them to show me how to trust and how to forgive and how to be vulnerable and how to see my God rightly.

i teach my kids with the same general truths each week. we go through worshipping God, offering ourselves to Him, hearing Him, discerning His voice and receiving His love and revelation of His heart. it sounds lofty, but we make it really simple. i feel like i give them practical circumstances to walk out all of these things in, but i rarely (aka... never really..) hear anything back from the kids or from their parents.

granted, i know they are five. but it's hard watching them walk in so much favor, grace, and truth in your classroom and then be unaware if they are understanding in the context of their little lives. i pray they understand. and sometimes it's hard to keep sowing without seeing fruit.

but, today.. today i saw it! i saw the fruit. it was incredible.

one little boy's sweet mom caught me as class was ending. she had such joy in her eyes. i knew she was about to share exactly what i needed to hear. she told me that the night before she was putting her boys to bed and a miracle happened!

we've been talking about miracles in kindergarten lately. we've talked about walking on the water, healing the blind, feeding thousands- you know.. the regulars. my kids are loving it! every week we talk about God's heart in miracles- the way He shows Himself to people who might not believe and how miracles draw people to Jesus' heart. today i asked, 'wait... so why does God do miracles?!' and one of my little boys answered 'because He always wants to give us what is best! He loves to do what is best for us!' i loved that. but last week we talked about the blind men who cried out to Jesus. how they so desperately wanted to see and when they would cry out, the crowds would tell them to be quiet and send them away. but they kept crying out and Jesus heard them. we talked about how the crowd didn't know Jesus' heart. we talked about how followers of Jesus have a responsibility to live like Jesus did. we talked about how we have the heart and the hands of Jesus.. how Jesus has given us everything we need to live like He did.

back to this morning. she told me that as they were praying before bedtime, they prayed for their dad who has had headaches and migraines. as they were finishing their prayer, elijah, my six year old kindergartener, said, 'mom... miss natalie taught us that i have the hands of Jesus. can i go put my hands on dad?'

and he did. and he prayed simply and Jesus simply healed him.

and then he was filled with joy- and he wanted more! so he went to his little brother who was sleeping in bed and put his hands on him and prayed something very simple but full of faith. 'Jesus.. i love him and so do You. please heal his cough. amen.'

and he went to bed that night with eyes full of wonder and a heart full of joy. he kept talking about how much fun it was to have Jesus' hands and how he wanted to pray for his great grandparents in colorado. he told his mom he would just reach out and pray that God would let his hand touch his grandparents.

i want faith like that. i want faith to know the truth- and for that truth to set me free to run into Jesus' arms. i want to know that when He tells me something that He means it- every time. i want that joy- that every time Jesus shows up, it catapults me into overflowing onto others.

it was everything i needed that day. it makes me wonder what it might be like to be a farmer. to work tirelessly day after day- yet staying faithful and confident in the waiting that a good crop will come. it's hard. it's hard to trust and remember when the days are long and the outcome is unpredictable.

but the fruit, the fruit is oh so good.