refreshed vision.

i came into the school year full of vision. after the faithfulness of the Lord in getting my job, four years of college, lots of praying, all of the preparation, i was so ready.

welp, after a semester, that vision was faded. almost gone. come december, i was tired and done. i've never needed a break more in my entire life. i remember one monday evening, i stayed in my classroom until almost nine at night, and after getting in my car- i had no idea what i was doing all of that time. i was totally exhausted and desperate for a break.

the break came and it was so good. i was so healthy and finally thinking clearly. i was sleeping in and being intentional with my time. the wedding came and went and it was perfect. but i was not thinking about school not one bit. and before i knew it, it was the wednesday before school on thursday.

workday. gross.

my friend and mentor, michelle, sent me an e-mail of some pictures with this sweet message.. "praying for God's strength, grace, power, renewed vision, and passion for your classroom! praying for your precious kids! what seeds they are being sown!!"

i had no vision. none. i was not ready to come back to school and i was not ready to be responsible for twenty one little lives. no way jose. i was loving sleeping in, reading books, and hanging out with my friends. i didn't have the passion i did when i began teaching- having a break was just too nice. i was refreshed, but i didn't have renewed vision. and i needed it desperately.

so i spent all day praying. as i worked in my classroom and cleaned up their desks, i prayed. i prayed for each of them and for the Lord to remind me why i was their teacher and spending so much precious time with that very child. i prayed for patience, for grace, for strength, and for vision. but i got nothing. i was still wanting to go home and watch netflix and sleep in the next morning.

i stopped in the office on my way out to grab my mail and the secretary said 'oh great! miss may! could you please go in mr. g's office?' oh no. something in me just knew that it wasn't good but i had no idea what it was. there was a woman in the office i had never seen before and the counselor. i introduced myself and sat down feeling heaviness on my chest and feeling a little choked up, with no idea why.

all i can remember her saying is 'you probably saw it on the news...' like eight million times. but i don't have cable. i had no idea what to say about that so i just nodded hoping she would realize i didn't really understand. come to find out, she is the now guardian of one of my little men of God, kole.

on new years' eve, kole was left in the backseat of a car while his mom and her boyfriend went inside a bar. they found him cold and scared in the parking lot.

that's really all i knew. she talked and talked and i heard nothing. all i could think about was how deeply i wanted to run out of the room and go get him. and take him to mcdonald's and ask him about his heart. i wanted that more than anything. but i had to say something. it was getting awkward. so i spit out 'is he.... sad?..'  and she told me he didn't talk about it much.

i already knew that. i know him. and i know he wouldn't have spilled his guts. he would've pretended like everything was fine. he would've been laughing and playing and never talking about what happened. and then she told me she walked past his room the evening before and she could hear him crying in his bed.

my poor baby was hurting. i was completely broken and had no idea what to do. we ended our conversation and i went back to my room and fell to pieces.

as i prayed and thought and wrestled, i remembered. i remembered why i do what i do. why the Lord put him in my class, out of the hundreds of second grade classrooms in abilene. he could've been anywhere, but God gave him to me. i felt so unworthy but in an instant God changed my heart. He reminded me why the journey getting to my classroom was so heavy- because He needed me to stand faithfully on His promises. and His promise in this season was that He was going to use me. He was going to ruin me for His glory.

i woke up thursday morning ready. my vision for my semester was simple, refreshed, and so very clear:

love them and show them who I am.

my chains are gone! part three.

(make sure you read parts one and two first!)

the man that opened the door was so awkward. he barely opened the door and peeked his head around a little. hunter mentioned that we were having a little party and wanted to invite him and his family. he then asked 'are you guys from a church or something?' and immediately i'm like welp, crap. we're out. that was fun while it lasted. thanks, Lord for really showing me those chains. that was pretty cool. assuming that because we were from a church he would want us to leave.

hunter told him yes, and he opened the door and invited us into his little home. i remember everything about it. i remember the way it smelled. i remember the couch was absolutely beautiful and totally random and out of place. i remember the train-clock hanging on the wall. i remember his vertical blinds and the green recliner in the middle of the room. i remember the look of absolute relief on that man's face just in the reality that we were in his home. the next few moments would shape me forever.

he told us he had been asking God to send someone like us. that he needed help, encouragement, and his family needed our prayers. and i'm beginning to think.. well, maybe it was more about me seeing those chains.. maybe there's something you want to do, Lord.. whatever you say- I'll do it... i repeated these things in my head as he spoke.

and then he began. he began to tell my story.

he told us that his brother-in-law and sister-in-law had been in a motorcycle accident a couple of days before. and that they were careflighted to the exact same hospital in dallas that my parents were careflighted to. and that they had kids. and the kids were scared. and that there was hope for the dad to make it out alive, but their mom was still in a coma.

he told me that. he told me my story. but it was his story. and it was Jesus' story. Jesus' story of radical redemption.

as he shared, i was could literally feel my insides shaking. i was sitting on the very edge of that overly-fancy couch- i could've slid right off. because of my ridiculous need to be detached from my story in college, my friends who were with me didn't realize the incredible parallel of this man's story with my own. so i whispered to hunter, 'hunter.. it's my story.. hunter.... he's telling my story!' as he spoke. i literally felt like the air was getting sucked out of me and that i was being filled with something heavier than air. something more real. something that lasts and that sustains. i literally felt it happening in those moments. i felt the Spirit of God enter this broken place in me and fill it with immeasurable peace that absolutely transcends understanding.

so i told him my story. and we shared our story. i told him the God of the universe showed me some chains and that led me to Him because my God gave me that story. the story that would give him just enough hope to be able to cling on for a little longer. the story that helped him feel alive, normal, and no longer defeated. i encouraged him and prayed for him. i told him that my God redeems and that my God heals. i told him that sometimes i ran from the reality and that in the end i found that all i really wanted was Jesus. i told him to run to Jesus and never to look back.

he was sweet and totally overwhelmed. he mentioned that he wanted his wife to come to the block party because he thought she needed to hear my story. it was her sister who was in the accident and she was having a lot of trouble with it. but there was one small problem. they were separated and hadn't been together in several months. he said the odds of her coming were almost non-existent, but we encouraged him to try. hunter stood with him as he called his wife. i had to leave.

i was in the very first part of the block party so i had to be there right away. i ran down the sidewalks literally having absolutely no idea where i was running. i've never felt so free in my life. the joy i felt was ridiculous and i just wanted to scream from the mountain tops that my God redeems! He's in every moment! my God just showed me some crazy chains so He could be known!!! i got to the group of people and didn't even know what to say. so i didn't. i just did my job and prayed. i prayed for that man, for his wife, and for their family. that they would let Jesus love on them and that He would hold them.

and only a few minutes later, i looked to my right, and there was my friend. with his wife.

she was totally broken. she needed someone, anyone, to tell her that there was hope to cling to. Jesus let me be that. He let me relate and speak truth into her heart that absolutely no other person could do.

there were too many miracles that happened that night. in me, in them, in their marriage, in their family, in my family, in my heart.. the blessings were overflowing. that evening changed me forever. my story took a shift from a story that happened to me to Jesus' story to bring redemption to His people. it changed from a story of tragedy, grief, weight, burden, and pain to a testimony of redemption, grace, hope, fruit, and blessing. His purposes remain. He makes all things work together for the good of those who love Him. He is good and He will be good for all of eternity.


i never spoke to those people again. but i think about them and i pray for their hearts. when i think about them, i take a deep breath of grace in and remember the few moments i had with them and how tangible the presence of God was in those moments. i pray they've had multitudes of those moments since then.

and that one day, they'll see their own chains too.

my chains are gone! part two.

(make sure you read part one first!)

when i came into college, i was serious about not being defined by my past. i was tired of people pitying me and always giving me sad eyes. i was ready to have my own life.

yikes. not smart. having my own life meant doing my own thing. i never went crazy or anything. i just never obeyed Him. i never listened for Him. i walked forward in the things that pleased me and made me happy. i didn't do anything that wasn't comfortable for me. i liked my freedom. i liked being 'normal' and having a 'normal' life. even though it wasn't true.

i walked this way until the end of my sophomore year of college. i remember the Lord coming into my dorm room and telling me it was time to stop. so (i make it sound easy.. i ran and wrestled... a lot..) i started to get more involved in my church and oh. my. word. the body loved on me. they were- and still are- fulfilling and precious to me. my lifegroup was such a blessing. those people built a foundation in me and modeled well for me what it means to really know Him. my junior year, i began to understand what it meant to really follow Jesus. so i tried it, and it was more than i could've ever dreamt.

then came our college ministry's spring break trip. it was a miracle that i was even going. (go read that post.. it's worth it!) we stayed in abilene for our trip- which was incredible. only Jesus can make something like that really worth it. each afternoon we would load up on a bus to head out to our 'party destination' which were apartment complexes and neighborhoods throughout town. while we were on the bus, we were told to pray and ask the Lord for clues of what He might want to do.

i was so weirded out. i had no idea what they were talking about so i just decided that i would sit back and watch. so on the bus ride to our first location, everyone prayed, asked the Lord for clues, and then called them out at the end for the whole group to hear... just in case someone else saw your clue. i feel weird using the word 'clue' but i don't know what else to say- so just go with it. i remember one guy saying that when he was praying, he felt like the Lord showed him a five gallon green bucket. crazy-head. i was so confused.

and then we got to the park, and there was a man carrying around a five gallon green bucket. and i was shocked. and he prayed with that man and shared Jesus with him. Jesus had His eye on that man, and He gave us the privilege of partnering with Him and knowing where He was asking us to go.

so then i'm on board. totally. except i was just on board with them doing it. not me. and He kept using the people around me. and He was using me too, just not in the same way. but that was totally okay with me. and then i just decided to try it one evening as we were driving to an apartment complex.

i was sitting with my friend and lifegroup leader, kara, and she said 'nat.. while you're praying- you need to write down everything that you get in your journal. it helps you to keep up with what you're hearing..' so i wrote down everything i saw/heard. the last thing i saw were chains in the shape of a z with a line through them. and i was like umm what? but i wrote it down. and then i started thinking about them and over-analyzing it.. like maybe there was someone who was in bondage that needed to be free and their name started with a z or something. ooooover-analyzing.

i shared it with the group and everyone gave me the 'hmmmm.. well... cool' eyes and we went on our way. we got off the bus, broke into groups. we were assigned our certain areas of the apartment complex to go invite people to our block party. block party: sneaky and fun way of sharing the Gospel, playing with kids, eating hot dogs, praying for people, you know.. the usual. but we had to go door to door and invite people which i hated. like i would rather do almost anything in the whole world. so i'm walking with both of my lifegroup leaders, hunter and kara, through this apartment complex. we stopped and met and prayed for this man in the laundromat. i was feeling accomplished. kind of like 'i've done my duty. let's go now.' kind of attitude. noooot Jesus' plan.

so we're strolling down the sidewalk wasting our last few minutes before the block party when it happened. i saw them. i was one thousand percent confident the very instant that i laid eyes on them. on a second floor balcony, there was a tire chained to his balcony rails in the very shape i saw. a z with a line through it. really, a z with a line through it.

so i told hunter and kara and they literally lit up. we marched our tails to that door and all i kept repeating in my head was 'wow, Lord. wow. that was so kind of you! thank you! what a sweet way to know that you want to bless this person.'

oh how i underestimate Him! He was up to far more than blessing that man. He was about to pull a double-whammy on us all.

my chains are gone! part one.

my story is a stoooooory. hard, terrible, glorious, heartache, triumph, sad, weary, long, desperate, dependent, alone, torn, tragic, together- but most of all and most importantly- redeemed.

i grew up with a typical american family. a dad, mom, sister, and brother. my dad: a man of perseverance, integrity, and deep love and affection for his family. my mom: a woman striving to serve, love, and honor her husband and family in the day to day. we lived in suburbia and did the suburban life well. life was good.

i remember laying in bed one night as an eighth grader and asking myself, 'is this it? is life about surviving and the daily grind and that's all? are you sure there's not more for me?' we went to church and i gave my whole heart to Jesus at 12, but i was doing some healthy testing of what i knew to be normal.

don't get me wrong, i was happy. how could i not be? but i was questioning, challenged, and thirsty for something more. i know now that i was thirsty to know deeply the heart of my God and to walk daily in radical abandonment to His call on my life. but i had no idea what the journey was going to look like to get me there.

the journey is a long one.

one summer evening before my ninth grade year, my parents decided to take a quick ride around the neighborhood on my dad's new motorcycle. not out of the norm for my parents at all. nobody's quite sure what happened, but they were in a terrible accident. just a couple of miles from my house. they were careflighted to a major trauma hospital in dallas.

i'll get into how i felt about all of this later.

the prognosis was bad. my dad had a torn aorta, a collapsed lung, and several other serious concerns in his chest. my sweet mom had a very serious head injury. she had emergency surgery where they repaired a lot of her skull but told us there was definite brain damage. my dad's condition could improve with a surgery, but he had to get stronger first to be able to withstand the surgery. they were both in a coma- my dad's medically induced to regulate his blood pressure to keep his aorta in tact, and my mom's due to major trauma and swelling of her brain. i never spoke to my daddy again.

over the next few months, my dads condition never improved- so they were never able to do the surgery. his poor heart got tired and his body was done. my dad began his face to face journey with Jesus about a month and a half after the accident.

meanwhile, my mom is still in a coma. she's alive and stable, but we were being told that this could be her lifelong state.

i am fourteen. fourteen and scared. fourteen and still freaking out about when i'm going to get my braces off. fourteen and spending an hour perfecting my aim profile so people would think i was cool- giving all of my friends their due shout out. fourteen and sassy, mean, and selfish. none of those realities changed. in fact, they were magnified because they were my way of running from what stood before me.

oh, but He loved on me. i was cared for in every way by the Father. He held me and carried me. His Spirit comforted me and gave me supernatural peace. it was reality, but He was more real. i stood confident that regardless of the circumstance- He was good. the only way that any of this happened was by the manifest presence and grace of God on me. oh, i was broken. i had absolutely nothing to give and sometimes, well lots of times, i was angry. i was frustrated. i was annoyed that my perfect life was interrupted by something so terrible and now all of my 'perfection' was gone.

that was hard to write. but as a fourteen year old, it's how i felt. it just reminds me of how badly i need Him.

and we kept walking. because it was the only thing we knew to do next. my mom woke up from her coma about three months later. it was a miracle. the doctors told us on several occasions that we should expect her to stay in her coma long-term. aka: forever. we were so grateful. He heard our cries! but waking up from a coma doesn't mean 'oh good! everything is fine now.' that's what i always thought. or i guess that's what i saw on tv. she was, and is, basically paralyzed from her waist down. she has a hard time remembering, thinking, and relating. but she's alive. and she's awake. praise the Lord! we were, and are, so grateful for this precious miracle.

i bounced around living with different people over the next couple of years and then settled down with my aunt and uncle. my mom's sister, her husband, and her four boys. they were such a blessing to me. they loved me in my confusion and in my heartache. they loved me as a selfish teenager. i still am in awe of how they managed that.

high school ended and i was blessed. i was walking with Jesus and He was being so kind to me. to say i was wholly devoted to Him might be a drastic understatement, but i loved Him and i knew without a doubt that He moved and worked. i just wasn't sure what that would look like for me.

until He showed me.

my best friend's wedding.

my best friend got married. to one of my other dear friends.

it was and is absolutely perfect.

i've been trying to write this post for a while now but i always end up speechless. the Spirit of God rests on their covenant. He's all over it, in it, around it, and speaking through it. it melted my heart to a place where i stood humbled before the Lord because He loves to give us exactly what He knows will change the world through us. this marriage will do it. He will move mountains through it. He will bless nations through it. He will redeem, encourage, and sustain through it. He will speak and be known through it. it is His, and for His Name and His glory alone.

their wedding day was on december 29 in fredericksburg, texas. it was a tiny little wedding with only their closest family and friends. which were also some of my closest family and friends. it was the most precious and intimate experience with people that know, bless, and have walked the journey with these precious souls. it was an outside wedding and the weather was 70 degrees. 70 degrees on december 29.. for real?! the hand of God. the birds were singing, the sun was shining, and the joy was overflowing.

we had the perfect day. getting ready together, laughing, and feeling the greatest joy i have known to date. the dress was perfect, her hair was beautiful, and she was so ready to marry hunter. they decided to do a first look where they see each other before the ceremony to take intimate, sweet pictures together before the chaos. as i was walking with kelsey and our spiritual mom to the chapel where kelsey was going to walk down the aisle to hunter, i was overwhelmed with joy. i was so proud of my God. so proud of how well he loved my precious friend in the journey. He held her through it all and brought her peace, comfort, and joy. we got to the door of the chapel and prayed over her before she walked in.

in that moment the Lord spoke to me and said "she's about to get it. she's about to understand a part of my heart that you don't just yet. in the next few seconds, she's going to feel and know, on a small scale, the way I feel when you approach Me. the way I feel, as the Bridegroom when you choose Me and commit to covenant with my heart."

and she did. she got it. and it was written all over her face.

when i think i begin to understand the love He has for us, i always am undone. i am overwhelmed, challenged, and wrecked to the point where i am back to where i once was, with greater gratitude than before. His love is too much- and everything i need. oh how desperately i long to know Him!

hunter said in his vows: 'in our covenant, i am called and determined to fight for you and your heart in loving-kindness. i will protect and serve your whole well-being- just as the Father has done for me.'

thank you, gracious One, for doing the same for me.