He loves to encounter His children in ways that make them feel awe-struck. it is His heart that we would know Him, really know Him- and He has shown Himself to me on so many days- many mentioned here- that I'll never forget for the rest of my life.
but there are so many days that are not like the days on this blog.
like the days when i totally lose my temper with my kids and i feel like i'm going to scream. or the days when my laundry is overwhelming me and making me want to cry. or when student loans are staring at me month after month and i have no idea what i'm doing. or when i'm having hard conversations with one friend after another- knowing that i'm being obedient to Christ. or when i've worked with that student on this issue twelve million times and see nothing change. or when i just don't feel it and would rather spend my time doing other things rather than worshiping Jesus. or when i am begging for breakthrough- month after month, and keep hearing the blessed 'wait.'
yeah, those days don't look like these incredible blog stories. but those days have been most days for me lately.
i want to say that makes me sad... but it really doesn't. i've met Jesus here. the steadfast, patient, sacrificing, understanding, and loving Jesus. i've met Him in this place day after day.
a couple of weeks ago, i woke up early one saturday morning and was driving out to a spot in the 'hills' of abilene to spend time with Jesus. i spent the first ten minutes literally crying out to the Lord about one thing after another that i felt He promised me and that i had yet to receive. i was making a verbal list and getting more and more frustrated with myself and with the Lord as each one of them came out of my mouth. "but Lord! You said! You promised! where are You?! i need to see that You're in this! come near! convince me! increase my faith!" all of them crying out with tears streaming down my face to see the Presence of God in all of my crap. and finally i took a breath. i let the weight of my words sit heavy on my heart and i waited. i waited for a response to the One who already knows.
and the kindest, most tender and calm voice said to me in my frustration...
"do you still believe that I'm good?"
it stopped me in my tracks. i wanted to scream back "yes, Lord! i would if...." but i couldn't. He wanted me to just sit in it for a while and wrap my brain around that question..
"do you still believe that I'm good?"
if i have learned anything in my life, it has been that my God is good. that He is for me and His heart is relentless toward me. i cannot, and will not escape the grasp of the One whose mighty right arm holds me. He has protected me, shielded me, fought for me, parented me, disciplined me, encouraged me, trusted me, given to me, and loved me with an everlasting love.
and i answered back from the deepest part of my soul,
"yes, Lord. i believe. You have been nothing but good to me."
and i meant it. with more sincerity than ever before, i could declare His goodness to me. He has been good, He is good, and He will be good forever- not just in general- but to me. His eye is on me. on my circumstances, on my frustration, and on my faith.
may we all receive grace upon grace to abide in the goodness of God for today.
in the miracles and in the waiting. He is good.
