inadequacy.

a few weeks ago i sat in a prayer meeting. on my knees, i begged for the Lord to move in all of my church's trips around the world. then it came to my own trip. they announced 'uganda' and people started praying. i tilted my head up to watch the people of God cry out for my trip and for the people i would be leading.

not two seconds after lifting my head, i heard the accusation of the enemy.

"you really think you can lead these people? you?!"

i knew it wasn't the Lord and immediately began asking questions of Him.

"Lord, why me? there are thousands of people You could've chosen and You chose me... why?!? Lord, i don't know what i'm doing. i can't lead people. i'm not worthy of following, Lord! i don't have what it takes. i need help. i don't know what to do!"

i sat in silence and let the cries of my heart resonate.

it was true. i don't really know all the answers. i don't always know what i'm doing.

so i asked Jesus to speak to me. and i heard a calm, confident voice say..

"do you know how to wash feet?"

"yes, Lord. i can wash feet."

and there it was. Jesus modeled it perfectly. He led with humility and with servanthood. He never tried to do anything that the Father wasn't doing and asking.

i can do that. i can hear the Lord. i can follow Him. i can obey. i can serve. i can go low. i can sacrifice. i can be a friend.

"yes, Lord. i can wash feet."


i felt inadequate to the core. because i am. i have nothing without Jesus. i can't lead, i can't wash feet, i can't pursue Him. but He makes me enough. Jesus died so that I could walk in my identity and my identity is a daughter of the Most High. a co-heir with Jesus.

Jesus died to put an end to inadequacy.

Jesus felt my inadequacy on the cross and it breaks His heart to think that i would choose it again. i will not let His blood be a waste. 

i will trust Him. i will abide in His promises and i will not waste the adequacy He died for. i will walk in the identity given to me by Jesus. He makes me enough for all that He has called me to. He gives me what i need and equips me for the battle.

"and God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." 2 corinthians 9:8

the other days.

when i look over and reread the things i have written on this blog, it stirs my heart. i am so thankful for what the Lord has chosen to do in me and all of the incredible encounters i've had with His faithful love and extravagant grace.

He loves to encounter His children in ways that make them feel awe-struck. it is His heart that we would know Him, really know Him- and He has shown Himself to me on so many days- many mentioned here- that I'll never forget for the rest of my life. 

but there are so many days that are not like the days on this blog.

like the days when i totally lose my temper with my kids and i feel like i'm going to scream. or the days when my laundry is overwhelming me and making me want to cry. or when student loans are staring at me month after month and i have no idea what i'm doing. or when i'm having hard conversations with one friend after another- knowing that i'm being obedient to Christ. or when i've worked with that student on this issue twelve million times and see nothing change. or when i just don't feel it and would rather spend my time doing other things rather than worshiping Jesus. or when i am begging for breakthrough- month after month, and keep hearing the blessed 'wait.'

yeah, those days don't look like these incredible blog stories. but those days have been most days for me lately.

i want to say that makes me sad... but it really doesn't. i've met Jesus here. the steadfast, patient, sacrificing, understanding, and loving Jesus. i've met Him in this place day after day.

a couple of weeks ago, i woke up early one saturday morning and was driving out to a spot in the 'hills' of abilene to spend time with Jesus. i spent the first ten minutes literally crying out to the Lord about one thing after another that i felt He promised me and that i had yet to receive. i was making a verbal list and getting more and more frustrated with myself and with the Lord as each one of them came out of my mouth. "but Lord! You said! You promised! where are You?! i need to see that You're in this! come near! convince me! increase my faith!" all of them crying out with tears streaming down my face to see the Presence of God in all of my crap. and finally i took a breath. i let the weight of my words sit heavy on my heart and i waited. i waited for a response to the One who already knows.

and the kindest, most tender and calm voice said to me in my frustration...

"do you still believe that I'm good?"

it stopped me in my tracks. i wanted to scream back "yes, Lord! i would if...." but i couldn't. He wanted me to just sit in it for a while and wrap my brain around that question..

"do you still believe that I'm good?"

if i have learned anything in my life, it has been that my God is good. that He is for me and His heart is relentless toward me. i cannot, and will not escape the grasp of the One whose mighty right arm holds me.  He has protected me, shielded me, fought for me, parented me, disciplined me, encouraged me, trusted me, given to me, and loved me with an everlasting love.

and i answered back from the deepest part of my soul,

"yes, Lord. i believe. You have been nothing but good to me."

and i meant it. with more sincerity than ever before, i could declare His goodness to me. He has been good, He is good, and He will be good forever- not just in general- but to me. His eye is on me. on my circumstances, on my frustration, and on my faith. 

may we all receive grace upon grace to abide in the goodness of God for today.

in the miracles and in the waiting. He is good.

safe.

being safe has always been a reallllllly big deal to me. not physically safe. i really never bother with any of that stuff.. locking doors, avoiding going places alone.. dumb things. but emotionally and spiritually safe. i think it's because of the trauma. i felt safe for so long and then had to totally relearn what being safe even was.

i don't ever remember feeling unsafe growing up. my parents did a wonderful job always making me feel protected and secure. but after the accident, i didn't have that safety anymore. i had to learn to 'do it myself' and controlling situations and circumstances was my pseudo-safety.

it took me a really long time to realize this was sin.

i saw it as totally necessary. if i didn't do it myself or i didn't control the situation then i wasn't safe. but i just didn't know the sovereignty of God.. or trust it yet. i wasn't ready to let him fill the 'safety-giver's' shoes. i felt as if i'd been burned, and to prevent getting burned again, i had to control it all. as if i'm better at keeping myself safe than the God of the universe is. whoa. sometimes i still fall back into that pattern, but it's being redeemed day by day.

He is my safety. but by no means is a life following Jesus ever safe. i'm learning that. my soul is forever safe because my Leader never changes, never fails, and never wastes a thing. but there are times, as a follower, that i am totally out of control, waiting and expecting the Father to lead me, with no earthly idea where He might take me. learning and knowing the character of God has taught me to be at peace with the uncertainty of my circumstances. His character is safe but my life is not.

i see this reflected often in my kids' lives.

their lives are never safe. they live in terrible neighborhoods. they have no structure. they have no idea whose house they will be sleeping at tonight. they aren't sure where their mom has been for the past four nights. they can't remember the last time they saw their dad. mom was supposed to come for lunch, but probably just got busy. stepdad's temper is unpredictable and everyone conforms to his mood for the day.

i can't imagine.

i cry out to God that my kids will know Him. really know Him. and that the grossness of their circumstances would fade under the character and nature of God. i do my best to reflect it, but know i constantly fail and lack so much of the peace that only He can give.

i had the sweetest day a couple of weeks ago.

one of my sweet girls, asia, lost a necklace in pe that her mom gave her. she was hysterical when she came back from pe and noticed it was gone. i told her we could walk around the playground and go back to pe and music checking for it. we searched for a few minutes and then she had to go catch her daycare bus. i told her i would search for it for a little while longer. i remember that panicky feeling being a little kid thinking 'my mom's gonna killllllll me...' sweet girl.

well, she came back to my classroom a few minutes later telling me she missed the daycare bus. i had no idea what this meant for her, so i took her to the office to ask what to do. the secretary called the daycare and they told her they would be back in an hour to pick up the kids that were in tutoring. she asked me if i'd mind keeping asia with me until then. to be honest, at first, i was thinking 'for reallllllll? i have so much to do. i've been with kids all day long and i just need a minute to breathe.' and then i submitted to Jesus and realized that i never get to spend time with my kids one on one and that this could be really good.

as we were walking back to the classroom, i told her 'alright asia.. we're not doing any school stuff today. we're just going to have lots of fun- just the two of us.' i took her to the vending machines and she got a 7-up and a butterfinger. we went back to the classroom and i asked her what she wanted to do. i said 'we can do anything you want! watch a movie, play games, read books, puzzles, go to the playground.. whatever you want!' she chose making copies. so we went to the copy room and copied math tests. she loved it and you could tell that she felt like a million bucks. then we went back to the classroom and played trouble, operation, and we talked about her life. she felt treasured. i could see it all over her face.

when we were walking out the door on our way to go catch the daycare bus, she looked up at me and said 'miss may.... thank you...'  already i felt a warmth in my heart, and a tiny bit choked up. i said 'for what, sweetheart?' and she responded 'for always takin' care of me..'

that's when the tears welled up. it's a big deal for a second graders to ever communicate appreciation, much less with so much sincerity. it melted me. i got down on her level, looked her right in the eyes and said 'i will always take care of you, asia. even when you're not in my class. i will pray for you- and Jesus.. He will keep you safe..' she looked at me with such confidence and said 'i know' with a smile.

she walked in the next morning and looked at me with such joy. i remember that feeling. it's like you have a special connection that nobody else knows about- and it brings you both so much pride. she smiled the biggest grin and it was like we both just knew.

that's the kind of safety His character gives me. just enough to where we both just know. regardless of my circumstances, He is safe and i can find peace and rest in Him alone.

fruit in season

i teach kindergarten sunday school. most times when i tell people that they're like 'oh my gosh- you must be overdoing yourself with kids every day of the week..' or something to that effect. sometimes i think so too.

actually, most saturday nights i think that.

but it always changes on sunday mornings. it always ends up being an overwhelming blessing. i am meant to teach kids about Jesus. it's what i'm called to do. i love teaching my kids about math and reading and martin luther king jr. and weather. kind of. but mostly i love teaching kids about Jesus. i love seeing them understand His truth and walk in ridiculous amounts of faith. it changes me.

i need them more than they need me. i need them to show me how to trust and how to forgive and how to be vulnerable and how to see my God rightly.

i teach my kids with the same general truths each week. we go through worshipping God, offering ourselves to Him, hearing Him, discerning His voice and receiving His love and revelation of His heart. it sounds lofty, but we make it really simple. i feel like i give them practical circumstances to walk out all of these things in, but i rarely (aka... never really..) hear anything back from the kids or from their parents.

granted, i know they are five. but it's hard watching them walk in so much favor, grace, and truth in your classroom and then be unaware if they are understanding in the context of their little lives. i pray they understand. and sometimes it's hard to keep sowing without seeing fruit.

but, today.. today i saw it! i saw the fruit. it was incredible.

one little boy's sweet mom caught me as class was ending. she had such joy in her eyes. i knew she was about to share exactly what i needed to hear. she told me that the night before she was putting her boys to bed and a miracle happened!

we've been talking about miracles in kindergarten lately. we've talked about walking on the water, healing the blind, feeding thousands- you know.. the regulars. my kids are loving it! every week we talk about God's heart in miracles- the way He shows Himself to people who might not believe and how miracles draw people to Jesus' heart. today i asked, 'wait... so why does God do miracles?!' and one of my little boys answered 'because He always wants to give us what is best! He loves to do what is best for us!' i loved that. but last week we talked about the blind men who cried out to Jesus. how they so desperately wanted to see and when they would cry out, the crowds would tell them to be quiet and send them away. but they kept crying out and Jesus heard them. we talked about how the crowd didn't know Jesus' heart. we talked about how followers of Jesus have a responsibility to live like Jesus did. we talked about how we have the heart and the hands of Jesus.. how Jesus has given us everything we need to live like He did.

back to this morning. she told me that as they were praying before bedtime, they prayed for their dad who has had headaches and migraines. as they were finishing their prayer, elijah, my six year old kindergartener, said, 'mom... miss natalie taught us that i have the hands of Jesus. can i go put my hands on dad?'

and he did. and he prayed simply and Jesus simply healed him.

and then he was filled with joy- and he wanted more! so he went to his little brother who was sleeping in bed and put his hands on him and prayed something very simple but full of faith. 'Jesus.. i love him and so do You. please heal his cough. amen.'

and he went to bed that night with eyes full of wonder and a heart full of joy. he kept talking about how much fun it was to have Jesus' hands and how he wanted to pray for his great grandparents in colorado. he told his mom he would just reach out and pray that God would let his hand touch his grandparents.

i want faith like that. i want faith to know the truth- and for that truth to set me free to run into Jesus' arms. i want to know that when He tells me something that He means it- every time. i want that joy- that every time Jesus shows up, it catapults me into overflowing onto others.

it was everything i needed that day. it makes me wonder what it might be like to be a farmer. to work tirelessly day after day- yet staying faithful and confident in the waiting that a good crop will come. it's hard. it's hard to trust and remember when the days are long and the outcome is unpredictable.

but the fruit, the fruit is oh so good.

refreshed vision.

i came into the school year full of vision. after the faithfulness of the Lord in getting my job, four years of college, lots of praying, all of the preparation, i was so ready.

welp, after a semester, that vision was faded. almost gone. come december, i was tired and done. i've never needed a break more in my entire life. i remember one monday evening, i stayed in my classroom until almost nine at night, and after getting in my car- i had no idea what i was doing all of that time. i was totally exhausted and desperate for a break.

the break came and it was so good. i was so healthy and finally thinking clearly. i was sleeping in and being intentional with my time. the wedding came and went and it was perfect. but i was not thinking about school not one bit. and before i knew it, it was the wednesday before school on thursday.

workday. gross.

my friend and mentor, michelle, sent me an e-mail of some pictures with this sweet message.. "praying for God's strength, grace, power, renewed vision, and passion for your classroom! praying for your precious kids! what seeds they are being sown!!"

i had no vision. none. i was not ready to come back to school and i was not ready to be responsible for twenty one little lives. no way jose. i was loving sleeping in, reading books, and hanging out with my friends. i didn't have the passion i did when i began teaching- having a break was just too nice. i was refreshed, but i didn't have renewed vision. and i needed it desperately.

so i spent all day praying. as i worked in my classroom and cleaned up their desks, i prayed. i prayed for each of them and for the Lord to remind me why i was their teacher and spending so much precious time with that very child. i prayed for patience, for grace, for strength, and for vision. but i got nothing. i was still wanting to go home and watch netflix and sleep in the next morning.

i stopped in the office on my way out to grab my mail and the secretary said 'oh great! miss may! could you please go in mr. g's office?' oh no. something in me just knew that it wasn't good but i had no idea what it was. there was a woman in the office i had never seen before and the counselor. i introduced myself and sat down feeling heaviness on my chest and feeling a little choked up, with no idea why.

all i can remember her saying is 'you probably saw it on the news...' like eight million times. but i don't have cable. i had no idea what to say about that so i just nodded hoping she would realize i didn't really understand. come to find out, she is the now guardian of one of my little men of God, kole.

on new years' eve, kole was left in the backseat of a car while his mom and her boyfriend went inside a bar. they found him cold and scared in the parking lot.

that's really all i knew. she talked and talked and i heard nothing. all i could think about was how deeply i wanted to run out of the room and go get him. and take him to mcdonald's and ask him about his heart. i wanted that more than anything. but i had to say something. it was getting awkward. so i spit out 'is he.... sad?..'  and she told me he didn't talk about it much.

i already knew that. i know him. and i know he wouldn't have spilled his guts. he would've pretended like everything was fine. he would've been laughing and playing and never talking about what happened. and then she told me she walked past his room the evening before and she could hear him crying in his bed.

my poor baby was hurting. i was completely broken and had no idea what to do. we ended our conversation and i went back to my room and fell to pieces.

as i prayed and thought and wrestled, i remembered. i remembered why i do what i do. why the Lord put him in my class, out of the hundreds of second grade classrooms in abilene. he could've been anywhere, but God gave him to me. i felt so unworthy but in an instant God changed my heart. He reminded me why the journey getting to my classroom was so heavy- because He needed me to stand faithfully on His promises. and His promise in this season was that He was going to use me. He was going to ruin me for His glory.

i woke up thursday morning ready. my vision for my semester was simple, refreshed, and so very clear:

love them and show them who I am.

my chains are gone! part three.

(make sure you read parts one and two first!)

the man that opened the door was so awkward. he barely opened the door and peeked his head around a little. hunter mentioned that we were having a little party and wanted to invite him and his family. he then asked 'are you guys from a church or something?' and immediately i'm like welp, crap. we're out. that was fun while it lasted. thanks, Lord for really showing me those chains. that was pretty cool. assuming that because we were from a church he would want us to leave.

hunter told him yes, and he opened the door and invited us into his little home. i remember everything about it. i remember the way it smelled. i remember the couch was absolutely beautiful and totally random and out of place. i remember the train-clock hanging on the wall. i remember his vertical blinds and the green recliner in the middle of the room. i remember the look of absolute relief on that man's face just in the reality that we were in his home. the next few moments would shape me forever.

he told us he had been asking God to send someone like us. that he needed help, encouragement, and his family needed our prayers. and i'm beginning to think.. well, maybe it was more about me seeing those chains.. maybe there's something you want to do, Lord.. whatever you say- I'll do it... i repeated these things in my head as he spoke.

and then he began. he began to tell my story.

he told us that his brother-in-law and sister-in-law had been in a motorcycle accident a couple of days before. and that they were careflighted to the exact same hospital in dallas that my parents were careflighted to. and that they had kids. and the kids were scared. and that there was hope for the dad to make it out alive, but their mom was still in a coma.

he told me that. he told me my story. but it was his story. and it was Jesus' story. Jesus' story of radical redemption.

as he shared, i was could literally feel my insides shaking. i was sitting on the very edge of that overly-fancy couch- i could've slid right off. because of my ridiculous need to be detached from my story in college, my friends who were with me didn't realize the incredible parallel of this man's story with my own. so i whispered to hunter, 'hunter.. it's my story.. hunter.... he's telling my story!' as he spoke. i literally felt like the air was getting sucked out of me and that i was being filled with something heavier than air. something more real. something that lasts and that sustains. i literally felt it happening in those moments. i felt the Spirit of God enter this broken place in me and fill it with immeasurable peace that absolutely transcends understanding.

so i told him my story. and we shared our story. i told him the God of the universe showed me some chains and that led me to Him because my God gave me that story. the story that would give him just enough hope to be able to cling on for a little longer. the story that helped him feel alive, normal, and no longer defeated. i encouraged him and prayed for him. i told him that my God redeems and that my God heals. i told him that sometimes i ran from the reality and that in the end i found that all i really wanted was Jesus. i told him to run to Jesus and never to look back.

he was sweet and totally overwhelmed. he mentioned that he wanted his wife to come to the block party because he thought she needed to hear my story. it was her sister who was in the accident and she was having a lot of trouble with it. but there was one small problem. they were separated and hadn't been together in several months. he said the odds of her coming were almost non-existent, but we encouraged him to try. hunter stood with him as he called his wife. i had to leave.

i was in the very first part of the block party so i had to be there right away. i ran down the sidewalks literally having absolutely no idea where i was running. i've never felt so free in my life. the joy i felt was ridiculous and i just wanted to scream from the mountain tops that my God redeems! He's in every moment! my God just showed me some crazy chains so He could be known!!! i got to the group of people and didn't even know what to say. so i didn't. i just did my job and prayed. i prayed for that man, for his wife, and for their family. that they would let Jesus love on them and that He would hold them.

and only a few minutes later, i looked to my right, and there was my friend. with his wife.

she was totally broken. she needed someone, anyone, to tell her that there was hope to cling to. Jesus let me be that. He let me relate and speak truth into her heart that absolutely no other person could do.

there were too many miracles that happened that night. in me, in them, in their marriage, in their family, in my family, in my heart.. the blessings were overflowing. that evening changed me forever. my story took a shift from a story that happened to me to Jesus' story to bring redemption to His people. it changed from a story of tragedy, grief, weight, burden, and pain to a testimony of redemption, grace, hope, fruit, and blessing. His purposes remain. He makes all things work together for the good of those who love Him. He is good and He will be good for all of eternity.


i never spoke to those people again. but i think about them and i pray for their hearts. when i think about them, i take a deep breath of grace in and remember the few moments i had with them and how tangible the presence of God was in those moments. i pray they've had multitudes of those moments since then.

and that one day, they'll see their own chains too.

my chains are gone! part two.

(make sure you read part one first!)

when i came into college, i was serious about not being defined by my past. i was tired of people pitying me and always giving me sad eyes. i was ready to have my own life.

yikes. not smart. having my own life meant doing my own thing. i never went crazy or anything. i just never obeyed Him. i never listened for Him. i walked forward in the things that pleased me and made me happy. i didn't do anything that wasn't comfortable for me. i liked my freedom. i liked being 'normal' and having a 'normal' life. even though it wasn't true.

i walked this way until the end of my sophomore year of college. i remember the Lord coming into my dorm room and telling me it was time to stop. so (i make it sound easy.. i ran and wrestled... a lot..) i started to get more involved in my church and oh. my. word. the body loved on me. they were- and still are- fulfilling and precious to me. my lifegroup was such a blessing. those people built a foundation in me and modeled well for me what it means to really know Him. my junior year, i began to understand what it meant to really follow Jesus. so i tried it, and it was more than i could've ever dreamt.

then came our college ministry's spring break trip. it was a miracle that i was even going. (go read that post.. it's worth it!) we stayed in abilene for our trip- which was incredible. only Jesus can make something like that really worth it. each afternoon we would load up on a bus to head out to our 'party destination' which were apartment complexes and neighborhoods throughout town. while we were on the bus, we were told to pray and ask the Lord for clues of what He might want to do.

i was so weirded out. i had no idea what they were talking about so i just decided that i would sit back and watch. so on the bus ride to our first location, everyone prayed, asked the Lord for clues, and then called them out at the end for the whole group to hear... just in case someone else saw your clue. i feel weird using the word 'clue' but i don't know what else to say- so just go with it. i remember one guy saying that when he was praying, he felt like the Lord showed him a five gallon green bucket. crazy-head. i was so confused.

and then we got to the park, and there was a man carrying around a five gallon green bucket. and i was shocked. and he prayed with that man and shared Jesus with him. Jesus had His eye on that man, and He gave us the privilege of partnering with Him and knowing where He was asking us to go.

so then i'm on board. totally. except i was just on board with them doing it. not me. and He kept using the people around me. and He was using me too, just not in the same way. but that was totally okay with me. and then i just decided to try it one evening as we were driving to an apartment complex.

i was sitting with my friend and lifegroup leader, kara, and she said 'nat.. while you're praying- you need to write down everything that you get in your journal. it helps you to keep up with what you're hearing..' so i wrote down everything i saw/heard. the last thing i saw were chains in the shape of a z with a line through them. and i was like umm what? but i wrote it down. and then i started thinking about them and over-analyzing it.. like maybe there was someone who was in bondage that needed to be free and their name started with a z or something. ooooover-analyzing.

i shared it with the group and everyone gave me the 'hmmmm.. well... cool' eyes and we went on our way. we got off the bus, broke into groups. we were assigned our certain areas of the apartment complex to go invite people to our block party. block party: sneaky and fun way of sharing the Gospel, playing with kids, eating hot dogs, praying for people, you know.. the usual. but we had to go door to door and invite people which i hated. like i would rather do almost anything in the whole world. so i'm walking with both of my lifegroup leaders, hunter and kara, through this apartment complex. we stopped and met and prayed for this man in the laundromat. i was feeling accomplished. kind of like 'i've done my duty. let's go now.' kind of attitude. noooot Jesus' plan.

so we're strolling down the sidewalk wasting our last few minutes before the block party when it happened. i saw them. i was one thousand percent confident the very instant that i laid eyes on them. on a second floor balcony, there was a tire chained to his balcony rails in the very shape i saw. a z with a line through it. really, a z with a line through it.

so i told hunter and kara and they literally lit up. we marched our tails to that door and all i kept repeating in my head was 'wow, Lord. wow. that was so kind of you! thank you! what a sweet way to know that you want to bless this person.'

oh how i underestimate Him! He was up to far more than blessing that man. He was about to pull a double-whammy on us all.

my chains are gone! part one.

my story is a stoooooory. hard, terrible, glorious, heartache, triumph, sad, weary, long, desperate, dependent, alone, torn, tragic, together- but most of all and most importantly- redeemed.

i grew up with a typical american family. a dad, mom, sister, and brother. my dad: a man of perseverance, integrity, and deep love and affection for his family. my mom: a woman striving to serve, love, and honor her husband and family in the day to day. we lived in suburbia and did the suburban life well. life was good.

i remember laying in bed one night as an eighth grader and asking myself, 'is this it? is life about surviving and the daily grind and that's all? are you sure there's not more for me?' we went to church and i gave my whole heart to Jesus at 12, but i was doing some healthy testing of what i knew to be normal.

don't get me wrong, i was happy. how could i not be? but i was questioning, challenged, and thirsty for something more. i know now that i was thirsty to know deeply the heart of my God and to walk daily in radical abandonment to His call on my life. but i had no idea what the journey was going to look like to get me there.

the journey is a long one.

one summer evening before my ninth grade year, my parents decided to take a quick ride around the neighborhood on my dad's new motorcycle. not out of the norm for my parents at all. nobody's quite sure what happened, but they were in a terrible accident. just a couple of miles from my house. they were careflighted to a major trauma hospital in dallas.

i'll get into how i felt about all of this later.

the prognosis was bad. my dad had a torn aorta, a collapsed lung, and several other serious concerns in his chest. my sweet mom had a very serious head injury. she had emergency surgery where they repaired a lot of her skull but told us there was definite brain damage. my dad's condition could improve with a surgery, but he had to get stronger first to be able to withstand the surgery. they were both in a coma- my dad's medically induced to regulate his blood pressure to keep his aorta in tact, and my mom's due to major trauma and swelling of her brain. i never spoke to my daddy again.

over the next few months, my dads condition never improved- so they were never able to do the surgery. his poor heart got tired and his body was done. my dad began his face to face journey with Jesus about a month and a half after the accident.

meanwhile, my mom is still in a coma. she's alive and stable, but we were being told that this could be her lifelong state.

i am fourteen. fourteen and scared. fourteen and still freaking out about when i'm going to get my braces off. fourteen and spending an hour perfecting my aim profile so people would think i was cool- giving all of my friends their due shout out. fourteen and sassy, mean, and selfish. none of those realities changed. in fact, they were magnified because they were my way of running from what stood before me.

oh, but He loved on me. i was cared for in every way by the Father. He held me and carried me. His Spirit comforted me and gave me supernatural peace. it was reality, but He was more real. i stood confident that regardless of the circumstance- He was good. the only way that any of this happened was by the manifest presence and grace of God on me. oh, i was broken. i had absolutely nothing to give and sometimes, well lots of times, i was angry. i was frustrated. i was annoyed that my perfect life was interrupted by something so terrible and now all of my 'perfection' was gone.

that was hard to write. but as a fourteen year old, it's how i felt. it just reminds me of how badly i need Him.

and we kept walking. because it was the only thing we knew to do next. my mom woke up from her coma about three months later. it was a miracle. the doctors told us on several occasions that we should expect her to stay in her coma long-term. aka: forever. we were so grateful. He heard our cries! but waking up from a coma doesn't mean 'oh good! everything is fine now.' that's what i always thought. or i guess that's what i saw on tv. she was, and is, basically paralyzed from her waist down. she has a hard time remembering, thinking, and relating. but she's alive. and she's awake. praise the Lord! we were, and are, so grateful for this precious miracle.

i bounced around living with different people over the next couple of years and then settled down with my aunt and uncle. my mom's sister, her husband, and her four boys. they were such a blessing to me. they loved me in my confusion and in my heartache. they loved me as a selfish teenager. i still am in awe of how they managed that.

high school ended and i was blessed. i was walking with Jesus and He was being so kind to me. to say i was wholly devoted to Him might be a drastic understatement, but i loved Him and i knew without a doubt that He moved and worked. i just wasn't sure what that would look like for me.

until He showed me.

my best friend's wedding.

my best friend got married. to one of my other dear friends.

it was and is absolutely perfect.

i've been trying to write this post for a while now but i always end up speechless. the Spirit of God rests on their covenant. He's all over it, in it, around it, and speaking through it. it melted my heart to a place where i stood humbled before the Lord because He loves to give us exactly what He knows will change the world through us. this marriage will do it. He will move mountains through it. He will bless nations through it. He will redeem, encourage, and sustain through it. He will speak and be known through it. it is His, and for His Name and His glory alone.

their wedding day was on december 29 in fredericksburg, texas. it was a tiny little wedding with only their closest family and friends. which were also some of my closest family and friends. it was the most precious and intimate experience with people that know, bless, and have walked the journey with these precious souls. it was an outside wedding and the weather was 70 degrees. 70 degrees on december 29.. for real?! the hand of God. the birds were singing, the sun was shining, and the joy was overflowing.

we had the perfect day. getting ready together, laughing, and feeling the greatest joy i have known to date. the dress was perfect, her hair was beautiful, and she was so ready to marry hunter. they decided to do a first look where they see each other before the ceremony to take intimate, sweet pictures together before the chaos. as i was walking with kelsey and our spiritual mom to the chapel where kelsey was going to walk down the aisle to hunter, i was overwhelmed with joy. i was so proud of my God. so proud of how well he loved my precious friend in the journey. He held her through it all and brought her peace, comfort, and joy. we got to the door of the chapel and prayed over her before she walked in.

in that moment the Lord spoke to me and said "she's about to get it. she's about to understand a part of my heart that you don't just yet. in the next few seconds, she's going to feel and know, on a small scale, the way I feel when you approach Me. the way I feel, as the Bridegroom when you choose Me and commit to covenant with my heart."

and she did. she got it. and it was written all over her face.

when i think i begin to understand the love He has for us, i always am undone. i am overwhelmed, challenged, and wrecked to the point where i am back to where i once was, with greater gratitude than before. His love is too much- and everything i need. oh how desperately i long to know Him!

hunter said in his vows: 'in our covenant, i am called and determined to fight for you and your heart in loving-kindness. i will protect and serve your whole well-being- just as the Father has done for me.'

thank you, gracious One, for doing the same for me.

the one with the money.

i almost wrote 'money is such an awkward thing to write about.' and then i erased it. it's not awkward. it's not horrible, and it's not burdensome. it is a gift and a resource. i wish i was saying that out of the depth of my heart. but i'm really saying it because i know that's what i'm supposed to feel and think, and i'm going to keep claiming it until i believe it. because to me.. it's still a little awkward. but with Jesus, He makes it wonderful. especially with testimonies like this.

almost three years ago, i was about to go on a mission trip. to abilene. from abilene. weird, i know- but we were stirring within ourselves a heart for our own city and our own people. we were going to be making it as much as a 'real trip' as possible, staying in a hotel, driving everywhere together in a bus, etc. to make sure we were all still unified. which meant that it cost money. not a whole lot. only like $300.. but to a college student, that's kind of a whole lot. 

and being the super procrastinator and "non-worrier" that i was (aka.. not responsible) i had a total of $0 in my trip account on monday. and we were leaving for the trip on friday. and i did not have $300. also, in my non-responsibility, i racked up $800 in credit card debt over the previous few months. i was getting loan money soon and was planning on paying it off with my loan money, but the payment was due now. how's that for ridiculous? 

not my proudest moment. 

so monday morning at 6:30 am, we had a prayer meeting for our whole team going on the trip. everyone was there.. it was the week before. our leader stood up and said 'i feel like we're supposed to pray over finances..' immediately my pride started welling up and inside myself i was hearing 'that's not you- you can do this. you'll be fine. you'll figure it out.' our leader continued 'if you still need finances for the trip, stand up and come to the middle. we're going to lay hands on you and pray that the Lord will provide miraculously.' and still my pride said 'don't stand up. you can do this by yourself.' but the Holy Spirit said 'stand up right now.' so i did. 

i went to the middle of that circle and i was prayed over. i didn't really feel anything except a strong conviction to finally send the support letter to my grandparents. it was going to be the only one i would send. my grandparents normally send a $100 check for everything. christmas, birthdays, support letters, whatever it is, i normally get a $100 check. so i thought- i'll have them pay the $100 and i'll find money to cover the rest. so i got home that day and sent the letter.

well, later that morning, i got a text message from a number i didn't know. from a person i didn't know. it was a sweet girl who was at our prayer meeting that morning that i had never met. she said she had her hand on me while we were praying and that the Lord told her to cover the rest of my trip. she wanted to know how much to write the check for.

what?!!?! i was blown away. and sort of embarrassed. i sent back.. 'well.. i still owe all of it..' and she responded 'great! i'll take the check to the church today.' and that was that. i sat on my couch and wept. i couldn't believe He would do that. extravagantly written off. just like the cross. 

so my trip was paid for. i had greater expectation than ever before that the Lord was going to transform, challenge, and pursue my heart on that trip. i spent that week praying out of a thankful and overwhelmed heart. every friday, i went to lunch with my best friend. i walked to the door to greet her and realized we hadn't gotten the mail that day. as kelsey was walking up to my house, i opened a letter from my grandparents. i totally forgot about that support letter i sent earlier in the week. totally forgot. i saw that letter and said 'thank you, Lord!' i could use that $100. 

well, as kelsey was walking up, i can't imagine what she was thinking. i stood in my doorway- completely shocked, overwhelmed, and weak. inside that envelope was a note from my grandma that said 'the Lord told me to send you this much. use it for whatever you need. we love you and are so proud of you.' 

and there was an $800 check.

He pays my debts. all of them. and on that trip, He changed me forever. He broke my chains and set his captive free! 

thanks, lindsay- my precious friend, for being obedient. you blew me away and started a fire in my own heart to do the same for others. and thanks meme and papa, for listening and obeying. you've left a legacy of obedience and honor for me to walk in. you're the best picture of Jesus i've ever seen in real life.